SPEAKER_2: Hi there, and welcome to the Salt Cravings Inn & Suites.
SPEAKER_2: I take it you'd like to check in?
SPEAKER_1: Uh, yeah, do you have a room for 20?
SPEAKER_2: A room for 20?
SPEAKER_2: Well, you know what, I'll actually, I'm going to have to call my manager about that, if you'll just give me a second.
SPEAKER_2: Hello, do we have a room for a fucking buttload of people?
SPEAKER_2: Like two goddamn many people for one room?
SPEAKER_2: We do, okay, great.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, we do have a room for 20 people.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, so you'll just have to sign a couple of forms.
SPEAKER_2: This is the, why would you need 20 people in a room form?
SPEAKER_1: For the party.
SPEAKER_2: Well, you can write that down on the form.
SPEAKER_2: Sorry, for which party?
SPEAKER_1: For the party that we're going to throw in the-
SPEAKER_2: Okay, so then you'll need to fill out this form that says, you can't have parties in the room.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, we'll sign, of course.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, well, I'll fill that form out, 100%.
SPEAKER_1: I follow every form that I fill out.
SPEAKER_2: Right, and you'll pay for all of the damages of the party.
SPEAKER_2: And also we cannot be held liable for your 20 person party in a small room.
SPEAKER_1: Absolutely, do you take expired credit cards?
SPEAKER_2: We do, as long as you also give us a piece of ID, so we can track you down and get the money for you when it doesn't work.
SPEAKER_1: Jimmy, do you have my fake ID?
SPEAKER_1: Well, yeah, okay, one sec.
SPEAKER_1: Just...
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, absolutely, here's like five IDs.
SPEAKER_1: The names don't match, but just take your pick.
SPEAKER_2: Great, yes.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, did Sal do this one?
SPEAKER_2: Sal?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, Sal down at the fake ID office.
SPEAKER_2: You know Sal?
SPEAKER_2: Oh my God, I went to high school with Sal.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, he does my fake IDs too.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah?
SPEAKER_2: Great.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, wow, that's such a coincidence.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, now, I have another form here, and it just says, will you be inviting the staff to the party?
SPEAKER_1: Yes, absolutely.
SPEAKER_1: Where do you think the other 18 people are coming from?
SPEAKER_2: Great, yes, absolutely.
SPEAKER_2: That is company policy.
SPEAKER_2: Ask that you do allow space for staff to come and get down and party as well.
SPEAKER_2: So everything seems to be in order here for your 20-person room.
SPEAKER_2: How many cots will you need?
SPEAKER_1: Oh, just like two.
SPEAKER_2: Great.
SPEAKER_2: Again, you will have to pay for damages, bodily fluids is extra, so blood come and spit.
SPEAKER_1: How much do I...
SPEAKER_1: So wait, how much is it per bodily fluid?
SPEAKER_1: Like you get...
SPEAKER_1: If I wanna buy more bodily fluid, how much is it?
SPEAKER_2: Ah, of course.
SPEAKER_2: What are the rates?
SPEAKER_1: Is there like a deal package?
SPEAKER_1: Like, can I just get the like all-in-one?
SPEAKER_2: Right, so there's a price for buying bodily fluid, and there's a price for leaving it in the room after you leave.
SPEAKER_2: Each thing, it's $10 for blood, $50 for cum.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, they come in this size of a container.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, okay, all right.
SPEAKER_2: They come in this size of a container.
SPEAKER_2: So it's $10 for one of these of blood, $50 for...
SPEAKER_1: Per liter of blood.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, per liter.
SPEAKER_2: So yeah, does that all sound good to you?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, we might need some extra blood.
SPEAKER_1: Hey, blood party night?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: Extra blood up to the room, please.
SPEAKER_2: Great, great, we'll make sure to bring that up.
SPEAKER_2: And I guess with all that done, shall we record a podcast?
SPEAKER_1: Do you want to introduce the podcast?
SPEAKER_2: Hey, everyone, and welcome to Salt Cravings.
SPEAKER_2: My name's Brianna.
SPEAKER_1: And my name's Clair.
SPEAKER_2: Welcome to the blood party.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, this intro did not go the direction I thought it would.
SPEAKER_1: But I-
SPEAKER_2: Well, I kind of wasn't expecting the whole, like, scams and blood party angle.
SPEAKER_2: But maybe I should have been.
SPEAKER_2: We're sort of on a roll with ignoring COVID safety in this podcast.
SPEAKER_2: So, you know, we should just keep doing that.
SPEAKER_2: And eventually, a president will drop dead.
SPEAKER_2: So this is Salt Cravings, a podcast where we talk about our cravings in very normal ways.
SPEAKER_2: And you know how it is?
SPEAKER_2: Those four cravings, we're going to roll through them.
SPEAKER_1: If this is your first one, good luck.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, if this is your first one, I think that I want you to understand that bit at the top is exactly who we are.
SPEAKER_2: This is basically pretty much part for the course.
SPEAKER_2: So this is kind of what you're getting yourself into.
SPEAKER_2: But have fun.
SPEAKER_2: Clair, would you give us your first craving?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, so we ended up having to switch platforms recently for the way that we distribute our social media.
SPEAKER_1: Certain tools in the tech industry along this line...
SPEAKER_2: We can call them the fuck out.
SPEAKER_1: I almost don't want to give them the publicity, you know?
SPEAKER_2: I feel like, given that they are the biggest one in the space, like I feel like at this point...
SPEAKER_1: So Hootsuite signed a contract with ICE, or they were going to.
SPEAKER_2: And then people got extremely mad, and they tried to lie and say that they hadn't, that they were thinking about it, but that they hadn't yet.
SPEAKER_2: But in fact, they already had, and they broke the contract.
SPEAKER_2: But still.
SPEAKER_1: And this had been in discussion for months, and the fact that it even came up, and that people pushed against it, and the presumably executives were like, still going to go ahead with it anyways.
SPEAKER_1: And that is all kind of expected from a tech company.
SPEAKER_1: Honestly, that wasn't really shocking in any capacity.
SPEAKER_1: It was the fact that they are a B-certified company, which is a quote unquote certification about like being ethically and morally responsible, blah, blah, blah, they're a company.
SPEAKER_1: It doesn't matter, but it was some like showcase.
SPEAKER_1: It basically just proved that the certification just doesn't mean jack shit, which we could have assumed anyways because companies.
SPEAKER_1: Anyways, my craving is no more ice contracts.
SPEAKER_1: We're just gonna cock block ice.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, yeah, I mean, obviously we want to abolish ice.
SPEAKER_2: This is obviously an abolish ice like.
SPEAKER_1: This is a water only zone, no ice.
SPEAKER_2: This is a water only zone, no ice.
SPEAKER_1: Sorry if it's a hot day, no ice.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, fuck ice.
SPEAKER_2: At least blocking their contracts is like a really good first step.
SPEAKER_2: I think I have at least one idea of how to do this.
SPEAKER_2: We're going to abolish contracts.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, okay, so all those contracts I signed at the beginning of this episode just were good?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's all, that's all.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, we're never going to pay that shit anyway.
SPEAKER_2: So like we knew, we knew.
SPEAKER_2: But there's still a contract, you know.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, but now contracts don't mean anything.
SPEAKER_1: You could have phoned the fake phone number.
SPEAKER_2: I could have phoned the fake phone number, it's true.
SPEAKER_2: But we all knew, we all know that contracts are just a tool for companies to get one over on you.
SPEAKER_2: And maybe once in a blue moon, they help us.
SPEAKER_2: But let's kind of weigh the sins and positives of contracts.
SPEAKER_2: And I think we'll find that contracts are a sinful practice.
SPEAKER_2: And Jesus would say we should abolish contracts.
SPEAKER_2: And I speak in the name of Jesus to say abolish all contracts.
SPEAKER_1: So we're resurrecting Jesus?
SPEAKER_2: I'm more like saying, speaking in what I assume Jesus would say and believe without backing that up with any sources.
SPEAKER_2: Maybe I'll find a Bible verse that supports me somewhere.
SPEAKER_2: But I'm kind of just basing this off of what I want him to have believed.
SPEAKER_1: The Great Flood was about getting rid of all the ice with more water.
SPEAKER_2: Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_2: And getting rid of all the contracts because all the paper is going to be soggy, so you can't have contracts anymore if there's no fucking paper.
SPEAKER_2: Right.
SPEAKER_2: Like, I can't, you know, we know that the true evil is ice.
SPEAKER_2: We understand this.
SPEAKER_2: We know this, but have we also considered what if the true evil, in addition to that, is also just the concept of contracts?
SPEAKER_1: Sure.
SPEAKER_2: So I am staining we're gonna develop a new legal statute that says no more contracts ever.
SPEAKER_1: Now, I do have to say, in order to come up with a legal statute, we will probably have to sign some stuff to get that in effect.
SPEAKER_2: I see, I see.
SPEAKER_2: Well, this is, now this is a complicated situation.
SPEAKER_2: I see where we might run into a potential pitfall, but no more signatures either.
SPEAKER_1: Oh.
SPEAKER_2: We all just agree to be cool, and be like, I'm gonna be chill, and I'm not going to double cross you.
SPEAKER_2: No, no chill.
SPEAKER_2: I'm going to be rad.
SPEAKER_2: I'm gonna be hot and sexy, and say that I'm just not gonna fuck over other people.
SPEAKER_1: We're gonna defeat ice by being sexy.
SPEAKER_1: Oh no, you're so sexy, ha ha ha.
SPEAKER_2: But if everyone disagrees to be cool and good to one another, we don't need ice contracts.
SPEAKER_2: Let's be real here.
SPEAKER_2: Do we need forced emigration and deportations?
SPEAKER_2: No, the answer is no, we don't.
SPEAKER_2: But in general, if we're all cooled with one another, then that's just gonna happen.
SPEAKER_2: It's just gonna become a world where we don't have any of that stuff.
SPEAKER_2: So let's all agree to just hang out, you know?
SPEAKER_1: We're just gonna have a big kumbaya, say peace and be friendly, ooh-woo.
SPEAKER_2: We'll just vibe, we'll simply vibe.
SPEAKER_1: So we're gonna buy everyone a vibe?
SPEAKER_2: Yes, we're gonna buy everyone a vibe, and everyone's gonna be so busy vibing, if you know what I mean, that they're not even gonna think about being horrible, terrible, just awful people.
SPEAKER_1: Great.
SPEAKER_2: Do you have any other ideas, or have I fixed it?
SPEAKER_2: Have I solved the whole thing?
SPEAKER_1: I had one, but then my brain just kind of got stuck on vibes, and thinking about everyone just simultaneously vibing, and I'm kind of just still on that mentally.
SPEAKER_1: I think it's just my brain has hit a block, and I can't leave.
SPEAKER_1: I'm sort of in a sinkhole of vibes.
SPEAKER_2: And that's the idea, that's the goal, right?
SPEAKER_2: Once everyone's in a kind of sinkhole of vibes, they're gonna all be good.
SPEAKER_1: We have to induce ego death via vibes.
SPEAKER_2: I think if we just ask nicely, and just don't make a big fuss about it, and are just sort of friendly and respectable, then I think we can really make some headway.
SPEAKER_1: Peaceful protests in front of ICE's building, which will surely never be escalated.
SPEAKER_2: There's never been a protest where it was escalated by outside authority and forces like cops.
SPEAKER_2: That's never happened.
SPEAKER_1: Ooh woo, cop no do bad.
SPEAKER_2: Feel bad now.
SPEAKER_2: Feels bad.
SPEAKER_1: Well, you know what defeats ICE?
SPEAKER_1: Is fire, and that's what Pokemon taught me.
SPEAKER_1: So we're just gonna torch them.
SPEAKER_1: And I think you're gonna be good on that.
SPEAKER_1: We're gonna get the world's biggest flamethrower.
SPEAKER_1: We're just gonna turn the sun into a missile.
SPEAKER_1: For legal reasons.
SPEAKER_2: This is a joke.
SPEAKER_1: This is a joke.
SPEAKER_1: I think.
SPEAKER_1: So we're gonna turn the sun into a missile.
SPEAKER_1: And that defeats the ICE.
SPEAKER_1: I'm pretty sure.
SPEAKER_1: I don't think they have anti-sun technology.
SPEAKER_1: I almost had anti-sun technology, which I think, you know, anti-sun, anti-fa, it all lines up.
SPEAKER_2: It all comes together.
SPEAKER_2: The board.
SPEAKER_2: See, I've got all the spots on the board, and they're all connected.
SPEAKER_2: They're all connected.
SPEAKER_1: They're all connected.
SPEAKER_1: It's all coming together.
SPEAKER_1: We finally have the answer.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, I'm following the string over here.
SPEAKER_1: It says, what the fuck is the next craving?
SPEAKER_2: Well, moving on from fuck ICE, which, as always, fuck ICE.
SPEAKER_1: Fuck Hootsuite, by the way, too.
SPEAKER_2: Oh yeah, fuck Hootsuite.
SPEAKER_2: I'm currently trying to figure out what the next platform is.
SPEAKER_2: I have some contenders.
SPEAKER_2: When I know which one I like best, I'll make sure to mention it somewhere so y'all can also have an idea of what other platforms to switch to that don't look for ICE contracts.
SPEAKER_1: And if they do, shoot a sun missile at them.
SPEAKER_1: It's a joke, but also, you know.
SPEAKER_2: It's a joke.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, our legal department's gonna have a field day with that one, our big legal department.
SPEAKER_2: This is kind of weirdly related in which talking about different social media platforms and talking about coordinating stuff.
SPEAKER_2: One of my favorite things that sometimes media will do, my best example of doing this was the web series Carmilla, but there are other ones that have done this, in which a piece of media will have coordinated with their kind of mainline thing, which in this case was like YouTube.
SPEAKER_2: They'll have like Twitter accounts that are the characters or like, you know, they will basically RP the characters on different social media accounts.
SPEAKER_1: Role play for people who don't know what RP is.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, role play the characters on various social media accounts, and it'll be like, you know, all official stuff that's like, sort of canon and sort of not.
SPEAKER_2: Obviously, Blaseball has been doing this recently, but like not officially, which is also fine.
SPEAKER_2: But I just love this.
SPEAKER_2: I just love when a piece of media will be like, look at these characters on social media interacting.
SPEAKER_2: Isn't this a fun new dimension of the story?
SPEAKER_2: I think it's neat.
SPEAKER_2: I think it's cute.
SPEAKER_1: You love when Mr.
SPEAKER_1: Clean talks to the Nesquik Bunny on Twitter and tells them that he's going to clean his asshole out with his butt.
SPEAKER_2: And then the baby nut shows up and...
SPEAKER_1: Cuckoo gaga gonna nut.
SPEAKER_2: Really bad.
SPEAKER_2: Please stop.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I definitely want the corporate route on this, Clair.
SPEAKER_2: That's super duper what I want.
SPEAKER_2: I just think more serious to do this.
SPEAKER_1: We're just gonna make the Friends of the Table roleplay just a hundred Twitter accounts.
SPEAKER_2: God.
SPEAKER_2: Just for every season?
SPEAKER_2: Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_1: Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_1: And they can all interact.
SPEAKER_1: But also, I was thinking like...
SPEAKER_1: So, I mean, I've been thinking about social media in general because they're all bad.
SPEAKER_1: But what about like a new platform where it was based around roleplaying instead of people just kind of taking to it to roleplay?
SPEAKER_1: Which I feel like, you know, Twitter wasn't designed for that.
SPEAKER_1: People just do it.
SPEAKER_2: This rules.
SPEAKER_2: Hey, this rules so much.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, like social media account where the whole thing is you're not roleplaying.
SPEAKER_2: You're not roleplaying yourself.
SPEAKER_2: You're roleplaying a character, whether it's like one of your characters.
SPEAKER_1: Wait, do you roleplay yourself?
SPEAKER_2: Let's be real here, Clair.
SPEAKER_2: I think everyone's social media presence is them roleplaying themselves.
SPEAKER_2: It's about the branding.
SPEAKER_2: It's about presenting a specific idea of yourself to the world.
SPEAKER_1: I mean, sometimes you just roleplay yourself in public, like when you go to work.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, everything is performative.
SPEAKER_2: I got a degree in this.
SPEAKER_2: It's true.
SPEAKER_2: We are all always performing.
SPEAKER_2: And even if we aren't trying to, there is a performance happening of a degree.
SPEAKER_1: Back to roleplaying cartoon characters or adjacent.
SPEAKER_2: This is all that sort of stuff.
SPEAKER_2: There can be the little verified check marks for like canon ones where it's the creators doing it.
SPEAKER_1: No, no, I don't want the creators to do anything about this.
SPEAKER_1: I mean, I guess like to each their own, this is, you know, this is your craving.
SPEAKER_2: I like when it adds extra dimensions to the like official intended story.
SPEAKER_2: And also, I think the fan stuff is also super valuable, but I would love a way to differentiate so that like creators can tell like parts of these stories in a really intentional way, where they are coordinating all these social media accounts to line up with the series.
SPEAKER_2: I want also fan role playing to be on there, but I would love some way to be like, this is the official Canon role play.
SPEAKER_1: It's kind of like interactive fan fiction or interactive AO3, where instead of an author writing the story, it's collaborative role playing in a public domain.
SPEAKER_1: So instead of playing RPGs privately or recording them and publishing them on a podcast, what you're doing is you're basically in a public forum that is specifically designed for role playing, which now that I think of it almost certainly exists.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, it was forums for a bit, but yes.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, but forums, I don't think forums are a great contender for the best format.
SPEAKER_1: I think we can improve forums.
SPEAKER_2: Just to be very clear about the Craving, I like they're both to be fandom, RP, and also the creators creating these social media accounts and using it to tell stories or give dimensions to their characters that are significant.
SPEAKER_2: I like both.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, they can both be on this new Forum Plus thing.
SPEAKER_2: It's called...
SPEAKER_2: It's RP-er, and it's RPR.
SPEAKER_1: Let's go take a ripper, bud.
SPEAKER_2: I was just out for a ripper, are you, bud?
SPEAKER_1: Out for a ripper, are you, bud?
SPEAKER_1: With your new fun cast, your fun fiction, eh, bud?
SPEAKER_2: Hey, you got some fan fiction, eh, bud?
SPEAKER_1: We've kind of turned into Irish people in this.
SPEAKER_2: I find that I have to stop doing Canadian accents very quickly because they immediately start going into the realm of, like, a mix of Irish and Indian.
SPEAKER_2: You got to be careful about where your accents end up moving.
SPEAKER_2: But ripper, for sure, is going to be great.
SPEAKER_2: So what are some features of this platform that make it really good for RP?
SPEAKER_1: So I think there's verified character, which is, like, up character played by the, I guess, the authority on that character.
SPEAKER_1: Then there's, like, official character, which is, like, one level down.
SPEAKER_1: This is a character that's in the fiction, but isn't necessarily played or portrayed by the person who has their full knowledge.
SPEAKER_1: And then there's, like, insert character.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: A lot of people are going to be playing insert characters.
SPEAKER_2: I also think we can maybe limit, I think, the canon version maybe to, like, one.
SPEAKER_2: But I think with, like, the fandom version, there can be 20 Arya Joys, is what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_1: These are categories of characters.
SPEAKER_1: We haven't even gotten into how these characters interact.
SPEAKER_1: We just gotta fix how communication happens on a digital forum.
SPEAKER_1: It does not correlate to how we talk.
SPEAKER_1: But also, how are these people communicating?
SPEAKER_1: Because sometimes characters do just text each other.
SPEAKER_2: I think a good thing would be, like, dashboards for different series, so you could just, like, click, oh, yeah, I wanna go to this specific series and see the RPs that are happening for this specific series.
SPEAKER_2: And then one for this specific series.
SPEAKER_2: Well, I don't know that it needs to necessarily be live, but unlike the way that Twitter is, in which it's just like, here's all of the different things that you follow all the different people for, I want you to be like, here's your timeline for Friends of the Table RPs.
SPEAKER_2: Here's your timeline for She-Ra RPs.
SPEAKER_2: Here's your timeline for Salt Cravings RPs.
SPEAKER_1: I also like the idea of, like, quote-unquote locked groups, where, like, there's locked and unlocked.
SPEAKER_1: I'm just, like, architecting this in my mind as I go, but, like, a locked group is, like, this is who's gonna portray Arya Joy.
SPEAKER_1: Other Arya Joys cannot come in to this, and you can go and read it.
SPEAKER_1: It's still public, but, like, you know who's portraying Arya Joy.
SPEAKER_2: Hey, Clair, we've wrapped...
SPEAKER_2: We've wrapped back around to no doubles.
SPEAKER_2: To kinning with no doubles.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, no.
SPEAKER_1: I don't even know what that means.
SPEAKER_2: Long and short of it, kinning is the way in which people...
SPEAKER_2: This is especially a thing on Tumblr.
SPEAKER_2: People believed that they were specific.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, your dragon kin, and there were ones that were for, like, fictional characters or ones for, like, other sort of stuff.
SPEAKER_1: That's very specific.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: I want to be Arya Joy kin.
SPEAKER_1: Arya Joy did nothing wrong.
SPEAKER_2: And...
SPEAKER_2: But there was also a thing on there where there would be drama every so often because of doubles, because there would be people who kinned the same person.
SPEAKER_2: And they...
SPEAKER_2: So people would often be, like, you know, with their kinship, they would be like, uh, no doubles.
SPEAKER_2: If you kin the same character as me, do not interact.
SPEAKER_1: Well, we're gonna make a platform that is...
SPEAKER_1: I'm gonna say anti-doubles friendly, but also there's unlocked groups where, like, you can have multiple, I guess, doubles, triples, you know, they can all...
SPEAKER_1: You could just have four Arya Joy's talking to themself.
SPEAKER_1: Like, just a thought process, like, stream of consciousness thing.
SPEAKER_1: It's just four people roleplaying as a single person's stream of consciousness.
SPEAKER_2: I also am just thinking about...
SPEAKER_2: So one of the things about the Blaseball Wiki, and I know I talk about Blaseball so fucking much, and I swear to God...
SPEAKER_1: It's almost as much as Star Wars.
SPEAKER_2: Sure is.
SPEAKER_2: But I just want to, like, read out the way in which it deals with canon on its Wiki.
SPEAKER_2: It's the Interdimensional Rumor Mill, which randomly chooses one backstory of many written by the Blaseball community when a Wiki page is loaded.
SPEAKER_2: Basically, you load a Wiki page, and it randomly chooses one of the backstories for that character that's been written by the Blaseball community and just gives it to you.
SPEAKER_2: And it's like, this is the canon right now, and you reload the page, and it's a different canon.
SPEAKER_2: There's a character named Famous Owens who has, like, a dozen different alternate realities and mirror dimensions that you can see as you refresh the page.
SPEAKER_2: I think that would be a great way to arrange at least part of this in which it's like, all of these different RPs are true in alternate universes.
SPEAKER_2: This also, by the way, is how the Godzilla movies handle canon, in which every Godzilla movie takes place in a universe in which some stuff is true from a previous Godzilla movie, but also a universe where other stuff is just categorically not true and did not happen.
SPEAKER_2: It's wild.
SPEAKER_2: Anyway, that's a way to do canon.
SPEAKER_1: So we're gonna have, like, a universe builder where you can pick and choose the conversations that are true in your universe.
SPEAKER_1: And so if you're, like, coming into a new RP and you're like, I don't understand what's going on, you can go back and read different conversations in the universe.
SPEAKER_1: And it might not even be the same character.
SPEAKER_1: You could just be like, oh, I really liked this conversation that happened between this other group of people.
SPEAKER_1: I'm gonna make a new universe, and that's gonna be the jumping off point of this universe.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: And now we're gonna roleplay from there.
SPEAKER_2: This UI is gonna be very unwieldy.
SPEAKER_2: It's gonna be wild trying to manage all of these things and figure out, okay, which group, which universe, which whatever am I in.
SPEAKER_1: We'll just underpay some artist and UX designer.
SPEAKER_1: It's fine.
SPEAKER_2: Yay, yeah.
SPEAKER_2: Design's not important.
SPEAKER_2: Design's very important.
SPEAKER_2: Sounds like a great plan to me, to all of the RP on Ripper.
SPEAKER_1: Do you have any jokes for Ripper?
SPEAKER_2: Rip Ripper.
SPEAKER_2: Killed before its time, because you're not going to make it real.
SPEAKER_2: All right, then, Clair, give me your next craving.
SPEAKER_1: I really want to be cool sometimes.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, me too.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, I just want to be cool.
SPEAKER_1: I have for a very long time, very much wanted to learn how to skateboard or longboard, because A, I truly just want to learn how to skateboard, but it's hard and longboarding is easier, but it's still somewhat difficult to learn.
SPEAKER_1: And also you have to have like, you have to commit to like, oh, I'm gonna do this now and buy a longboard and then do it.
SPEAKER_1: I remember the like couple times I rode a longboard was like second year university, and it was just down the like main mall road at UBC.
SPEAKER_1: It's just a long, wide like student path, and there was nobody around.
SPEAKER_1: So it was super easy.
SPEAKER_1: And I went for like maybe 20 feet, and I was like, whoa!
SPEAKER_1: It was great.
SPEAKER_1: So I want to get back to that.
SPEAKER_1: I want to learn to longboard or skateboard so I can be cool and with the youth, hip with the youth, you know?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I know, for sure.
SPEAKER_2: What's preventing you from just going out and doing it?
SPEAKER_1: Well, A, I don't really go anywhere.
SPEAKER_2: That's fair.
SPEAKER_1: I guess I could just longboard around the block.
SPEAKER_1: That's a good idea, actually.
SPEAKER_1: I could just longboard, put some headphones in, probably get hit by a car.
SPEAKER_1: And, you know, have a good time.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, so the part where you get hit by a car, I don't love that bit.
SPEAKER_1: Well, I have my headphones in, so it's hard to listen to the traffic going.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, no, I understand how it happens.
SPEAKER_2: I just don't want it to happen.
SPEAKER_1: Look, sometimes we have to make sacrifices to longboard.
SPEAKER_1: Sometimes you sacrifice to look cool.
SPEAKER_2: What if there was a safer environment to learn to longboard in?
SPEAKER_1: Hmm, safe longboarding.
SPEAKER_2: You know how they train astronauts by putting them in pools of water?
SPEAKER_1: I know the spinny one.
SPEAKER_1: I don't know the pools of water one.
SPEAKER_1: What?
SPEAKER_2: To get them used to like anti-gravity, they will, or like the lack of gravity.
SPEAKER_1: Zero gravity?
SPEAKER_2: Anti-gravity water.
SPEAKER_2: That's what we need for longboarding.
SPEAKER_1: Holy shit, we're just going to coat the longboard in anti-gravity water.
SPEAKER_1: We just dip it in it.
SPEAKER_1: That's genius.
SPEAKER_2: Holy shit.
SPEAKER_2: You just invented hoverboards.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, we've invented hoverboards.
SPEAKER_1: If I ride a hoverboard, there's no way I'll get hit by a car.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, listen, we've all seen Back to the Future.
SPEAKER_2: We know how hoverboards work.
SPEAKER_1: It's the same technology as the bottom of a Star Wars crate, obviously.
SPEAKER_1: It's the hover stuff.
SPEAKER_2: We know about the hover stuff.
SPEAKER_2: We love the hover stuff.
SPEAKER_1: The hover juice.
SPEAKER_2: How do we ensure that it doesn't hover too high?
SPEAKER_2: Or what is the point at which the longboard should be hovering?
SPEAKER_2: How high up in the sky?
SPEAKER_2: So we don't want it to get hit by cars, and we also don't want it to get hit by a plane.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, see, I was just going to be like, oh, you know, like three meters off the ground.
SPEAKER_1: But then I remembered trucks exist, so that's still not good enough.
SPEAKER_2: Also buildings.
SPEAKER_1: Buildings, yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_1: But buildings kind of give a fun edge, right?
SPEAKER_1: Like, I don't want to just go anywhere.
SPEAKER_1: I do kind of want, like the buildings create sort of a playground.
SPEAKER_1: You know, you got to go around.
SPEAKER_1: We need rounder buildings so we can skate on the buildings, honestly.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, hell yeah.
SPEAKER_1: It's like a skate park, but in the air.
SPEAKER_2: Right, grind on the side of a building.
SPEAKER_2: How do we ensure that people don't get, like, killed by going headfirst into a building?
SPEAKER_1: Helmet.
SPEAKER_2: Cool.
SPEAKER_1: Always wear a helmet.
SPEAKER_1: It's cool to wear a helmet.
SPEAKER_1: Tony Hawk says it's cool to wear a helmet.
SPEAKER_1: That's not a joke.
SPEAKER_1: Wear your fucking helmet.
SPEAKER_2: Wear your helmet.
SPEAKER_2: How do we ensure people don't fall off the hoverboards to their doom?
SPEAKER_1: Well, you just, it's like a snowboard, you know, you just strap their feet in.
SPEAKER_2: Clair, I...
SPEAKER_2: Uh-huh?
SPEAKER_2: As someone who has, who did, in fact, get seriously injured skiing when I was in middle school, I do have some concerns about...
SPEAKER_1: Oh no.
SPEAKER_2: It's just like snowboarding.
SPEAKER_2: We strap their feet in that keeps them safe.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, I mean, they're not going to fall off, right?
SPEAKER_1: That's the goal.
SPEAKER_1: Unless we hover their feet to the board, you know?
SPEAKER_1: Like, you know how hoverboards can't turn upside down because of, I don't know, gravity, anti-gravity water properties?
SPEAKER_1: We're just going to anti-gravity water the feet, and then the people can't turn upside down, so they can't fall off.
SPEAKER_2: I see.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, this makes sense to me.
SPEAKER_1: What if you just dip people in anti-gravity water?
SPEAKER_1: Then you can just fly.
SPEAKER_1: That's so much cooler than longboarding.
SPEAKER_1: Then I can carry the longboard with me as I fly.
SPEAKER_2: There's actually a slight problem with that, which is the anti-gravity water is extremely toxic and will kill anyone who ingests it.
SPEAKER_1: Because I was going to be like, you can just carry the longboard wherever you go, where you fly, which I think is the equivalent of like that one video where someone looks like they're about to skateboard, but they're just running with the skateboard and they never get on it.
SPEAKER_2: My favorite version of that one is the one set to like fucking the Endless Staircase music from Mario 64.
SPEAKER_2: God, yeah.
SPEAKER_2: We simply have them hover.
SPEAKER_2: We strap them down to the hoverboard.
SPEAKER_1: You say strap them down, and a very different image comes to my mind.
SPEAKER_2: Strap their feet down.
SPEAKER_2: That's what I meant.
SPEAKER_1: We're just gonna get a really big hoverboard.
SPEAKER_1: And it's just gonna strap them down.
SPEAKER_1: It's like a comedically big hoverboard.
SPEAKER_1: Like, whole body can fit on it.
SPEAKER_2: Bondage is out.
SPEAKER_2: Long boardage is in.
SPEAKER_1: It's like a flying bed.
SPEAKER_1: Hey, what if you didn't have to wake up in the morning, and you just go to work on a bed?
SPEAKER_1: Hi, my name's Clark.
SPEAKER_2: You know those pranks where people send out the air mattress that the person's sleeping on while they're still sleeping out on the water and have it float there?
SPEAKER_2: It's like that, but in the air, and it's so chill.
SPEAKER_1: But in the air, that's cool.
SPEAKER_1: And also great for hijinks.
SPEAKER_1: It's like, oh, haha, I woke up in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
SPEAKER_1: Prank jokes on me, haha.
SPEAKER_1: I don't know which way is north.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, hijinks are an important part of this whole thing, right?
SPEAKER_2: Longboarding and, you know, being cool, cool, skateboard, longboarder, is part of it is hijinks.
SPEAKER_1: You don't go to the skate park and not do hijinks.
SPEAKER_1: Skate parks are a fun zone.
SPEAKER_2: They're a fun zone.
SPEAKER_2: And so now our buildings that, you know, are totally safe to crash into because they're wearing helmets.
SPEAKER_2: Sorry, the building is wearing a helmet?
SPEAKER_2: I've met the person with the buildings also wearing a helmet now.
SPEAKER_1: Big helmet for the building.
SPEAKER_2: Maximum safety.
SPEAKER_2: No, it's as big as the very top of the building is.
SPEAKER_2: So for one of those ones that goes up to a point, it's just a tiny helmet on top.
SPEAKER_1: Tiny little helmet.
SPEAKER_2: But for like one that's cylindrical the whole way up, it's just like a massive helmet.
SPEAKER_2: I think this will really influence architecture in a good way.
SPEAKER_1: That also makes for some good grinding, just like riding around on the helmet, which is the intended purpose, clearly.
SPEAKER_1: Because if you fall off and your helmet hits the building helmet, you're safe.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, you're totally safe.
SPEAKER_1: It's like magnets.
SPEAKER_1: They repel.
SPEAKER_1: You can't get hurt.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, you can't get hurt crashing full force into a building if you're wearing a helmet and the building's wearing a helmet.
SPEAKER_2: That's science and physics.
SPEAKER_2: Great idea.
SPEAKER_1: Hey, do you think I'm going to die if I chug this anti-gravity water?
SPEAKER_2: Yes, absolutely.
SPEAKER_2: If you see on the side of the bottle, it says, absolutely do not drink.
SPEAKER_2: It will kill you if you...
SPEAKER_2: Oh, no.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, God.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, fuck.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, no.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, no.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, she's chugging the anti-gravity water.
SPEAKER_1: I feel great.
SPEAKER_2: Well, yeah, of course, you feel great at first.
SPEAKER_2: We better get through the rest.
SPEAKER_2: Not as long as I wish we had.
SPEAKER_2: We should probably get through the rest of this podcast pretty quick.
SPEAKER_2: So my last craving is I want zombie websites.
SPEAKER_2: Now, so...
SPEAKER_2: So there's a site called killedbygoogle.com that lists out every site or program or something that has been killed by Google with the date of death ranging from 2006 to 2021, because there are things that are due to be killed.
SPEAKER_1: Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_1: I'm aware of this stuff.
SPEAKER_1: Not aware of this site.
SPEAKER_1: This is great.
SPEAKER_1: But I am aware that they have a kill count.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, this site is really good.
SPEAKER_1: I didn't even know that, like, Neighborly went down.
SPEAKER_1: Dang.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, no, this is, this is, it's a really good site.
SPEAKER_2: Uh, yeah, killedbygoogle.com.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, no, there's no YouTube for Nintendo 3DS.
SPEAKER_1: How am I gonna get my sick anti-gravity water juice videos?
SPEAKER_2: You know, you'll have to get them from YouTube on Switch, I guess.
SPEAKER_1: YouTube Gaming is gone?
SPEAKER_1: Wow, I'm not shocked.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, did they kill YouTube Gaming?
SPEAKER_1: That's really funny.
SPEAKER_2: Also, shout out to the fact that the ones that haven't been killed yet have a little guillotine icon beside them, whereas the ones that have been killed have a gravestone.
SPEAKER_1: Also, shout out to Inbox by Google.
SPEAKER_1: I used Inbox right until they killed it.
SPEAKER_1: They're murderers.
SPEAKER_2: I do love the ones on here that are, like, within a year.
SPEAKER_2: Like, Google photos print 2020 to 2020.
SPEAKER_2: It was five months old.
SPEAKER_2: But here's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_2: Google just goes around murdering all these websites.
SPEAKER_2: And all these other companies do too.
SPEAKER_2: But Google's particularly, you know, has a kill count of, like, 205.
SPEAKER_2: So, like, they need to pay for their crimes.
SPEAKER_2: They need to pay for all the websites they've murdered.
SPEAKER_2: What if we could just revive all their old websites and create a zombie apocalypse for Google?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, we need to make these zombie websites.
SPEAKER_2: Like, this is what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_2: We need to make zombie websites, and we need to make them pay for their crimes.
SPEAKER_2: That's crucial here, is we need to show them that they can't just kill sites willy-nilly.
SPEAKER_2: Holy shit, they killed so many websites in 2019.
SPEAKER_2: We need to show them that they can't just go around killing all of the websites.
SPEAKER_2: They have to pay.
SPEAKER_1: We're gonna do a little bit of web necromancy.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I'm sort of experienced in necromancy now after Lace Ball, so I think I know how to do it.
SPEAKER_2: So we can just bring all these websites back to life.
SPEAKER_2: So now here's the part that I'm struggling with, is once we bring all the websites back to life, how do we use them to go after Google?
SPEAKER_1: So we're gonna use Google Sets to generate some ideas.
SPEAKER_1: So killed over nine years ago, 2002 to 2011, rip Google Sets.
SPEAKER_1: Google Sets generates a list of items when users enter a few examples.
SPEAKER_1: So, for example, entering green, purple, red, emits the list purple, green, red, blue, black, white, yellow, orange, brown.
SPEAKER_1: So what we're gonna do is we're gonna enter some ways to kill Google.
SPEAKER_1: Or we're gonna enter some ways to do necromancy but safe.
SPEAKER_1: We already have one example.
SPEAKER_2: If they want to try and call for help, they can't because we, they killed.
SPEAKER_2: And so we control encrypted search, which they killed over two years ago.
SPEAKER_2: Encrypted search provided users with anonymous internet searching.
SPEAKER_2: It was almost eight years old.
SPEAKER_2: They killed that, which is great.
SPEAKER_2: Because they can't search for help.
SPEAKER_2: And you know what?
SPEAKER_2: If anyone reaches out to them, they can't reply either because they killed reply.
SPEAKER_2: They killed the thing called reply.
SPEAKER_2: And let's be clear, we're already far beyond Google because we have Google+, which as we know, the plus denotes that we are in an advanced state.
SPEAKER_2: Google plus is dead.
SPEAKER_2: Long live Google+.
SPEAKER_2: We control it now.
SPEAKER_1: It's sort of like the more we kill their services, it's like where when we kill more Google services, we get more Google services.
SPEAKER_2: It's also like the Lich King in WoW, where when someone dies fighting against the Lich King, the Lich King gets to use them against whoever was fighting him.
SPEAKER_1: That's amazing.
SPEAKER_1: Is WoW good now?
SPEAKER_1: Wait, what?
SPEAKER_2: I was into Hearthstone for a while, and so I know a little bit about WoW lore.
SPEAKER_2: And the Lich King shit rules, in which the Lich King is just like, hmm, I'm in charge now, and really, you're going to try and fight me?
SPEAKER_2: You're really going to try and fight me?
SPEAKER_2: I'm going to fucking fuck up your shit, because you're going to come at me with a bunch of soldiers, and then I'm going to kill some of them, and they're going to become my soldiers.
SPEAKER_1: Also, I'm really excited to revive Pi.
SPEAKER_1: We're going to get the Pi and eat it too.
SPEAKER_1: That's the whole joke.
SPEAKER_2: We can clip with Google Clips.
SPEAKER_2: We can use Google Clips to clip their death and spread it around the world as a warning to other companies that are going to try and kill their properties, and we're going to take them.
SPEAKER_1: We'll use Touring Bird to spread the message.
SPEAKER_2: And here's the thing.
SPEAKER_2: We can also use robots because they've got Androidify killed, so we can now Androidify anything, which sounds like a weird cake.
SPEAKER_2: Just by the way, Androidify sounds like a weird kink.
SPEAKER_1: Also, completely tangential.
SPEAKER_1: Google Hangouts is going away, which is a thing that I thought was true.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, we just started using that.
SPEAKER_1: We started using it like a few days ago.
SPEAKER_2: That was a bad call on our part, but it's okay.
SPEAKER_1: That's okay, because we're going to get it soon, and then it's going to be ours.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, it's really convenient that we can just revive all the dead Google websites and really all the dead ideas and programs and everything.
SPEAKER_2: And we'll use it against the companies to bring them down.
SPEAKER_1: God, I'm so excited to revive MySpace.
SPEAKER_2: Oh my God.
SPEAKER_2: We get to revive MySpace.
SPEAKER_2: Is MySpace still...
SPEAKER_2: I think MySpace is still going.
SPEAKER_1: Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_1: MySpace revived itself.
SPEAKER_1: Unless it dies again, which I feel like it probably will.
SPEAKER_2: I can't believe MySpace is motion.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, so anyway, this is mostly just, hey, Google's killed a lot of websites, and we're gonna use that against them with necromancy.
SPEAKER_1: We're gonna do some web-chromancy.
SPEAKER_2: Wow, this party's rocking, Clair.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, do you want some anti-gravity juice?
SPEAKER_1: It got me feeling real good.
SPEAKER_1: I took the label off, it's safe.
SPEAKER_2: Nah, I'm good, but do you want some blood?
SPEAKER_2: We have so much blood that we ordered to the room.
SPEAKER_1: I'm so thirsty for some reason, some unknown reason.
SPEAKER_1: I would love some blood.
SPEAKER_2: Hell yeah, drink it up.
SPEAKER_2: That's how we do it here at the Salt Cravings Inn & Suites.
SPEAKER_1: Salty.
SPEAKER_2: So as we end today's podcast, and today's festivities continue on forever, the party never ends here at the Salt Cravings Inn & Suites.
SPEAKER_2: We just want to tell people that they can go follow us on social media, at Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, at Salt Cravings.
SPEAKER_2: Come hang.
SPEAKER_1: Come hang at the Atty Gravity Juice Zone.
SPEAKER_1: We got juice now.
SPEAKER_1: It's an expansion on the water.
SPEAKER_1: It still isn't consumable, but that never stopped me.
SPEAKER_1: If you want to submit your cravings, you can do so.
SPEAKER_2: You're sort of withering away a little bit.
SPEAKER_2: I am concerned.
SPEAKER_1: You can send those over at submissions at Salt Cravings.
SPEAKER_1: And if you want to give things to other things, I think my brain's being infected by gravity.
SPEAKER_2: Well, let me just say it clearly.
SPEAKER_2: You can find links to places to donate to Trans Women of Color in the description, you know, while we're at it.
SPEAKER_2: Let's also say that you can leave a rating or review if you would like to for us on your preferred podcast platform, even a dead one, because we're reviving Google Play Podcasts.
SPEAKER_2: Whoo!
SPEAKER_1: Five stars.
SPEAKER_1: We're gonna drink all the ganty gravity juice.
SPEAKER_2: I'm gonna get Clair to a doctor to...
SPEAKER_2: Whoo!
SPEAKER_1: Amazing.
SPEAKER_2: Good job, everyone.
SPEAKER_1: Good job, everybody, you can go home now.
SPEAKER_2: Alright, thanks, yeah, thanks for the party and all that.
SPEAKER_2: That was a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_2: Sure, yeah, but we are gonna have to get Clair to a doctor.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, she did drink a lot of that.
SPEAKER_1: Pick up your checks on the way out.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, yeah, so thanks, everyone.
SPEAKER_1: We're paying everybody an anti-gravity juice.
SPEAKER_2: All right, we're just gonna roll with this.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, let's do, yeah, well, let's do those two, okay.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, 10 minutes of silence.
SPEAKER_2: Sorry, 10 seconds, not 10 minutes.
SPEAKER_2: 10 minutes of silence.
SPEAKER_2: Ha!