SPEAKER_2: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the Salt Cravings Horse Races, and we are off.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, and there is number one.
SPEAKER_1: One has taken off, one is in the lead, and number, oh, number two has taken the lead.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, number two, what is the name of number two again?
SPEAKER_2: Number two's name is Horsemeat, and-
SPEAKER_1: Horsemeat was winning this.
SPEAKER_1: We're gonna have Horsemeat for dinner tonight.
SPEAKER_2: I'm so excited about this race, and I'm so excited that it is the long-term race.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, that's right, folks.
SPEAKER_2: Today, these horses are gonna be racing for an hour straight.
SPEAKER_2: So, we are so excited for them to be going around the track.
SPEAKER_2: I believe they go down around it a couple of dozen times, and I'm so, so excited about it.
SPEAKER_1: 30 times one way, 30 times the other.
SPEAKER_2: That's the way it works here at the Salt Cravings Horse Races.
SPEAKER_2: As usual, I am your co-commentator, Brianna.
SPEAKER_1: And I'm your flip and flappadoodoon, Clair Ross.
SPEAKER_2: And we are gonna be with you the entire time.
SPEAKER_2: But first, a word from our sponsors.
SPEAKER_1: Hi, and welcome to the sponsored content.
SPEAKER_1: This is the Salt Cravings Podcast.
SPEAKER_1: Please go like and support us, Spontent.
SPEAKER_1: We are sponsored today by Splatoon.
SPEAKER_1: This is why it's called Splontent.
SPEAKER_1: Um...
SPEAKER_1: And so all of our cravings have to do with the Splontend.
SPEAKER_1: So, you know, within each craving, there is going to be a hidden key word, a splurred, that you'll want to keep your ear out for.
SPEAKER_1: And if you can find all four of them and you submit it to the horse race, then you get all the winnings of this race.
SPEAKER_1: That's right, you heard it right, folks.
SPEAKER_1: You get all of the winnings of this horse marathon.
SPEAKER_1: That is the deal that we struck with them.
SPEAKER_1: Now, without further ado, I know you're excited.
SPEAKER_1: You're ready for the splurred.
SPEAKER_1: Everyone's ready for the splurred.
SPEAKER_1: Let's just get into the Cravings.
SPEAKER_1: Why not?
SPEAKER_2: The ARGs keep getting weirder and weirder.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I think it's time to get into the Splantent.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, do you want to start us out with your first Craving?
SPEAKER_2: Now, everyone, make sure you're listening careful for the Secret Splatoon reference.
SPEAKER_1: This will probably help when you're watching the Horse Marathon, because the first Craving of today is watching things, but the nostalgia glasses stay on.
SPEAKER_1: Have you ever thought about your favorite movie from when you were eight and you're like, wow, that was a great movie.
SPEAKER_1: I'm going to watch it again tonight.
SPEAKER_1: And you watch it and you're like, I was wrong.
SPEAKER_1: I wish I never watched this.
SPEAKER_1: Sometimes you just wish the nostalgia goggles stayed on as you were watching the thing.
SPEAKER_1: I really want to watch things with nostalgia glasses, Brianna.
SPEAKER_2: Lucky for you, we're going to develop the world's best nostalgia glasses.
SPEAKER_2: That's right.
SPEAKER_2: These nostalgia glasses will, once you put them on, so you put on these nostalgia glasses, right?
SPEAKER_2: They hook into your brain.
SPEAKER_1: Okay.
SPEAKER_1: I have a, so I'm going to come back to that.
SPEAKER_1: I'm going to come back to that.
SPEAKER_1: But are there a version of nostalgia glasses that I can wear over my glasses?
SPEAKER_1: Kind of like movie theater glasses?
SPEAKER_1: Are they like bigger?
SPEAKER_2: Yes.
SPEAKER_2: You can absolutely wear these over your normal glasses.
SPEAKER_2: Don't even worry about it.
SPEAKER_2: In fact, they even have a place to hook in to your normal glasses because like anyone who is still...
SPEAKER_2: Right.
SPEAKER_2: Because anyone who's still like a nerd about the things that they liked as kids enough to want the nostalgia glasses is someone who has glasses at this point.
SPEAKER_2: And so they automatically clip on to your glasses.
SPEAKER_2: And then they also just have these little things.
SPEAKER_2: They just like zoop into your head, just zoop in.
SPEAKER_1: Mm-hmm, zoop.
SPEAKER_2: And they just sort of de-age your brain so that you think like a child once again.
SPEAKER_1: What you're telling me is these glasses make me start to dissociate?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I mean, don't all glasses do that?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, I just put my glasses on in the morning and suddenly I'm viewing myself in third person.
SPEAKER_1: It's weird how my glasses come with a camera attached to the back of them so that I'm actually just dissociating out of my body.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I put on my glasses every morning and then I start hearing vapor wave.
SPEAKER_2: Well, what's your hang up here, right?
SPEAKER_2: Because all they do is they just de-age your brain so that you're a child again.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, I'm just like, I'm not too sure how many, like what movies are worth it to have something literally de-age my brain.
SPEAKER_1: How do I un-age my brain?
SPEAKER_1: Because presumably this is like a one way effect.
SPEAKER_1: Like you can de-age your brain.
SPEAKER_1: Really?
SPEAKER_2: No, of course not.
SPEAKER_2: We're not monsters.
SPEAKER_2: No, you take off the glasses and 95% of the time, you just go back to normal.
SPEAKER_1: What happens if a child wears these?
SPEAKER_2: Ah, well, you see there's a warning label on it that says a child absolutely cannot under any circumstances ever wear these or else they will never grow up.
SPEAKER_2: It's called Peter Panitis, and it's very dangerous.
SPEAKER_2: So that is kind of the only main thing is you don't want a child to wear them.
SPEAKER_1: That seems like very reckless to just have these at all, anywhere.
SPEAKER_2: Well, no, you put them in a child safe locked box, right?
SPEAKER_2: Like, children can't open it.
SPEAKER_2: The only potential concern is like obviously you can't mess with the locked box while you're wearing the glasses because you will not be able to open it or close it.
SPEAKER_1: Now, I feel like anyone with a kid knows that if you wear glasses and have a kid, the kid is going to try and take your glasses.
SPEAKER_1: What happens if the kid takes your nostalgia glasses?
SPEAKER_2: Here is one of the other minor concerns.
SPEAKER_2: And minor because, you know, in our tests, it only was sometimes a problem.
SPEAKER_2: And it was like, after you take off the nostalgia glasses, there's like a moment where you're having to like readjust, you know, your brain is trying to readjust.
SPEAKER_2: And so you're kind of just like out for a couple of minutes.
SPEAKER_2: And so you might not be able to like...
SPEAKER_1: When you say out, do you mean sort of like fuzzy in the head?
SPEAKER_1: Or do you mean like unconscious?
SPEAKER_2: You know, just like it's different for each person, right?
SPEAKER_2: There's some people...
SPEAKER_1: So you might just black out.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, in some cases, yes, but you'd have to be like a very...
SPEAKER_2: You know, you would have to be the sort of person who would black out in that scenario.
SPEAKER_1: What kind of person blacks out?
SPEAKER_2: If you have like an O blood type.
SPEAKER_1: There are a lot of people with O blood types.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, well, these are all warnings that are printed on the box of these things, you know?
SPEAKER_2: Like, you have to be willing to take risks.
SPEAKER_1: How many warnings are on this box?
SPEAKER_1: What percentage of this box is warnings?
SPEAKER_2: I'm going to keep it real with you.
SPEAKER_2: You know how a box has like four sides?
SPEAKER_2: It actually has six sides.
SPEAKER_2: Sorry.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I put on the glasses.
SPEAKER_2: But you know how a box has six sides?
SPEAKER_2: Five of them are warnings.
SPEAKER_2: So that is sort of what you're dealing with here.
SPEAKER_1: I like the implication that you put on the glasses and suddenly cubes have four sides.
SPEAKER_2: No, I put on the glasses and forgot how many sides a cube has.
SPEAKER_2: But also, of course they do.
SPEAKER_2: They're just squares.
SPEAKER_1: You can't see the third dimension when you have the nostalgia glasses on.
SPEAKER_1: It's one of the warnings.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, because you know how 2D gaming and 3D gaming, right?
SPEAKER_2: And all gaming used to be 2D instead of 3D.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, that's like that.
SPEAKER_2: They're sort of reverse 3D glasses.
SPEAKER_2: They're reverse 3D glasses.
SPEAKER_2: They're 2D glasses, and they de-age your brain.
SPEAKER_1: God, where do I sign up?
SPEAKER_1: I'm assuming there's like, you know, when you have a really hot sauce, you have to make your customer sign a waiver to buy it.
SPEAKER_1: I assume there's sort of like a really long contract that you like...
SPEAKER_2: It's a package.
SPEAKER_1: It's like the contract is a package?
SPEAKER_2: In length, yes.
SPEAKER_2: It's like kind of...
SPEAKER_2: Have you ever played D&D?
SPEAKER_2: It's sort of the same size as a D&D book.
SPEAKER_2: Great.
SPEAKER_1: Just a quick, short couple hundred pages.
SPEAKER_2: Listen, it's experimental technology.
SPEAKER_2: You know, someone somewhere is going to innovate on it and make it more advanced and stuff.
SPEAKER_2: But for now, we're kind of stuck with what we've got, right?
SPEAKER_2: But I tell you what, they do work.
SPEAKER_2: And 5% of the time, they work too well.
SPEAKER_1: Too well?
SPEAKER_1: Okay.
SPEAKER_1: What's the warning that goes along with too well?
SPEAKER_2: Well, as I was saying, 95% of people who wear them, you go back to normal, just totally fine.
SPEAKER_2: 5% of people stay a child brain forever.
SPEAKER_1: So what are we doing about those people?
SPEAKER_1: I presume we know this because it has happened.
SPEAKER_2: What are we doing with those people?
SPEAKER_2: I mean, they signed a waiver.
SPEAKER_2: They knew what they were getting into.
SPEAKER_1: Right, the D&D book.
SPEAKER_2: That's on them.
SPEAKER_2: That's our company policy.
SPEAKER_2: Our company slogan is, that's on them.
SPEAKER_1: It's because when you wear it, it's on you.
SPEAKER_1: I get it.
SPEAKER_1: I see.
SPEAKER_1: It's fun and whimsical.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_1: Until you're a ten-year-old forever.
SPEAKER_2: And also us completely denying responsibility for the thing that we created, yes.
SPEAKER_1: That feels true to most tech companies.
SPEAKER_1: I think I'm pretty satisfied with my nostalgia glasses.
SPEAKER_1: How long will it take to ship them?
SPEAKER_2: A couple of days, probably.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, we got a bunch of workers who have child brains, so it's kind of, you know, it fluctuates.
SPEAKER_2: Sorry, they're workers?
SPEAKER_2: Well, no.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, we just offer lots of different employment programs.
SPEAKER_1: To children?
SPEAKER_2: Okay, yeah, they're children, okay?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, sure, they're children.
SPEAKER_2: We do child labor?
SPEAKER_1: Are we pro-child labor?
SPEAKER_2: You have to be willing to make sacrifices.
SPEAKER_2: And welcome to the Industrial Revolution, everyone.
SPEAKER_2: I feel like everyone could have pretty easily guessed what the Splatoon reference in that one was.
SPEAKER_2: After all, you know, you're a kid now.
SPEAKER_2: This is similar.
SPEAKER_2: This craving is, it's very, it's different.
SPEAKER_2: But there is also a time mechanic here.
SPEAKER_2: So throughout the months of October and I believe November as well, Jack Dekeat and their partner KB have been doing streams of Majora's Mask, which is a really good Zelda game that I had never actually played.
SPEAKER_2: I played Ocarina, but I hadn't played Majora's Mask.
SPEAKER_2: And, you know, the kind of central conceit of that game is a time loop, right?
SPEAKER_2: Is you're constantly reliving the same three days and doing different things without those three days.
SPEAKER_2: And in general, I think time loops are really interesting as storytelling devices.
SPEAKER_2: There's all sorts of different stories about time loops, right?
SPEAKER_2: The classic is Groundhog Day.
SPEAKER_2: There was Russian Doll recently.
SPEAKER_2: There's games like Majora's Mask and the upcoming Deathloop game.
SPEAKER_2: And so, like, I think time loops are super cool.
SPEAKER_2: I would like one.
SPEAKER_1: Like in real life?
SPEAKER_2: I would like a time loop.
SPEAKER_2: Yes.
SPEAKER_1: Are you sure?
SPEAKER_1: I thought the entire point of Groundhog Day was that time loops suck.
SPEAKER_1: This is terrifying, actually.
SPEAKER_2: Consider this.
SPEAKER_2: Time loops only suck if you can't get out of them.
SPEAKER_2: And here's the other thing is as much as those shows try to like, oh yeah, try to be like, oh yeah, time loops are bad and terrible.
SPEAKER_2: Groundhog Day is also a movie in which this person learns so many skills and so much information and just like that he's able to woo this woman in a day, which is gross, by the way, that whole part of it is gross.
SPEAKER_1: Oh wow, I've never actually seen the movie.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, he has to, in order to get out of the time loop, he has to make her fall in love with him over the course of one day.
SPEAKER_2: That's the premise?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, that's the premise.
SPEAKER_2: I thought there was something like Aliens.
SPEAKER_1: I thought it was like some bullshit.
SPEAKER_2: It's something, something he learned that it matters to enjoy people and care about people or whatever through romantic attachment.
SPEAKER_2: I want just like a little bit of just like being able to relive the same, like set of days or day over and over, because you could just like, you could do a lot, right?
SPEAKER_2: You could discover a lot, learn a lot.
SPEAKER_2: You could, yeah, you would just have a lot of time to just like work on stuff and think about things.
SPEAKER_2: And also it would just be cool, you know, you could just be in a time loop for a bit.
SPEAKER_1: So clearly you have to make a sacrifice to the hog.
SPEAKER_1: You have to do it for the hog, Brianna.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, tell me, tell me about doing it for the hog.
SPEAKER_1: Well, when you do it for the hog, the hog will bless you with a time loop.
SPEAKER_1: Just like in Groundhog Day.
SPEAKER_2: When you do it for the hog, the hog does it for you.
SPEAKER_2: The classic slogan.
SPEAKER_2: Do we know how to escape the time loop?
SPEAKER_2: Is there a way to escape the time loop?
SPEAKER_2: Because if you can't escape the time loop, then it becomes a nightmare, you know?
SPEAKER_1: You simply have to find the hog.
SPEAKER_1: The hog is somewhere in the time loop.
SPEAKER_1: You can locate the hog, and you can be like, oh, okay, I know where the hog is now.
SPEAKER_1: The hog will tell you, haha, you have to come find me if you want to get out.
SPEAKER_1: And so you know how to.
SPEAKER_1: And you have one day, of course, to find the hog.
SPEAKER_1: And you can do it any day you want.
SPEAKER_1: You know, as soon as you're like, you know, I'm good.
SPEAKER_1: I've done this day enough.
SPEAKER_1: You shirk all your responsibilities, and you set out on your hog quest.
SPEAKER_2: This is fantastic.
SPEAKER_2: When you say you go out on a hog quest, here's sort of my question with that.
SPEAKER_2: How far away is the hog?
SPEAKER_1: I think it's random.
SPEAKER_1: You can get anywhere in a day.
SPEAKER_1: If you have an infinite amount of time to plan it out, you know?
SPEAKER_2: Here's my question is, does the time loop start you back in the same place, a la Groundhog Day, or does it take you back wherever you want to go, a la Majora's Mask?
SPEAKER_1: You get your original spawn point, and then you get one extra spawn point that you can put wherever.
SPEAKER_2: Can you pick up that spawn point?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, it's a little hog, it's a little plushy hog.
SPEAKER_1: You take it wherever.
SPEAKER_1: It's sort of a time anomaly.
SPEAKER_2: Before entering a time loop, you need to know the logistics of the time loop, so that you know that you can, in fact, it is possible for you to find the hog.
SPEAKER_1: I don't think the hog would play a nasty trick on you.
SPEAKER_1: I don't think the hog is mean.
SPEAKER_1: I think the hog is a friend who wants to play hide and seek, but doesn't have much time on their hand.
SPEAKER_1: So it's like, you got to find me in a day, and if you fail, you got to do it again.
SPEAKER_2: Because of Groundhog's short lifespans.
SPEAKER_2: I see, I understand.
SPEAKER_1: Right, a Groundhog can only play so many games of hide and seek, so you can't waste a Groundhog's time.
SPEAKER_1: That's just rude.
SPEAKER_2: Can you think of a specific day in terms of time or place that you would prefer to have your time loop be?
SPEAKER_1: I would want to have my time loop in the end of spring, and I'd want it to be in some country that I've never been to.
SPEAKER_1: I could find all the cool little nooks and crannies for reading, study an entire branch of academia, and then come home, I guess?
SPEAKER_2: I think doing it in another country is a really good call.
SPEAKER_2: I'm sure that there's also cities in other cities in Canada that would also work.
SPEAKER_2: I think having it in Ottawa would be interesting, because you could definitely, on certain time loops, go assassinate the prime minister, and it wouldn't work.
SPEAKER_1: Just sort of see how easy it is.
SPEAKER_2: Right, just see could you and what would happen.
SPEAKER_2: What would happen afterwards.
SPEAKER_1: Where's the weak point?
SPEAKER_2: Right, exactly.
SPEAKER_2: For any law enforcement people listening, I don't want to assassinate the prime minister.
SPEAKER_1: Nobody wants to assassinate the prime minister, but if the prime minister were assassinating during the events of a time loop, no one would know.
SPEAKER_2: Exactly, because it's like a video game.
SPEAKER_2: Because it has to be finite, right?
SPEAKER_2: Because otherwise you're gonna get overwhelmed and you're just gonna try and literally explore everything.
SPEAKER_2: Right?
SPEAKER_2: And that's just not doable.
SPEAKER_1: And the hog will get impatient, I think, after a few millennia.
SPEAKER_2: Right, that's the thing, right?
SPEAKER_2: Is you don't want to make the hog angry because the hog might make it so hard that you never get out of the time loop, right?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, the hog's just slightly harder to find every loop.
SPEAKER_1: Not much, just slightly harder to find.
SPEAKER_2: Or alternatively, the hog might get so fed up that it's not even a quest, right?
SPEAKER_2: The hog is just like begging you to just like get both of you out of the time loop.
SPEAKER_2: And it's like constantly following you.
SPEAKER_1: Please, grab the hog.
SPEAKER_1: Just grab the hog already.
SPEAKER_2: And then you would just be constantly followed by your hog.
SPEAKER_2: And it would just be like constantly like trying to get you.
SPEAKER_2: And then it wouldn't be fun anymore because you would just constantly be trying to avoid the hog.
SPEAKER_2: I guess might be fun in a different way, but feels very much like it follows, but it's a groundhog instead of dying in that time loop.
SPEAKER_1: It's just a tiny groundhog always walking at you.
SPEAKER_1: And if it touches you, you break out of the time loop.
SPEAKER_2: And this is how the time loop gets nightmarish because you're scared to lose your time loop.
SPEAKER_1: I could learn the entire history of the world.
SPEAKER_1: All I have to do is run away from that goddamn...
SPEAKER_1: I was going to say hedgehog.
SPEAKER_1: That's a completely different animal.
SPEAKER_2: That would be much harder because as we know from Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic's chasing you.
SPEAKER_2: Hedgehogs are very fast.
SPEAKER_2: Trying to run away from a hedgehog, you're not going to last long.
SPEAKER_1: Hey dude, you're in my time loop.
SPEAKER_1: I'm going to kick you out now.
SPEAKER_2: And alright, that's the second Craving again.
SPEAKER_1: If you didn't catch the splurred, you might want to rewind a bit and just give it a couple more listens.
SPEAKER_1: It's in there, folks.
SPEAKER_1: You'll find it.
SPEAKER_2: For sure.
SPEAKER_1: A few years ago, I was part of a friend group that called ourselves the Evil Gays.
SPEAKER_1: Some listening, statistically based on who listens to this might know this already.
SPEAKER_1: I really missed that.
SPEAKER_1: It was a core group of friends that due to, I don't know all the intricate details of the falling out, but there's a lot of traumatizing and re-traumatizing accidentally.
SPEAKER_1: And I hope only accidentally, though.
SPEAKER_1: I don't know all the sides of this.
SPEAKER_1: But yeah, there was a falling out.
SPEAKER_1: And so the Evil Gays no longer exist, unfortunately.
SPEAKER_1: And I have really just been craving the core group, where you have the group chat, and you're like, what are people doing today?
SPEAKER_1: So my craving is for the Evil Gays too.
SPEAKER_1: Electric Homo.
SPEAKER_2: The biggest issue here is gonna be this risk of traumatizing, re-traumatizing.
SPEAKER_2: And so the only way to really prevent that is for you to make a group where it's all clones of yourself.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, this is what I want.
SPEAKER_1: I just want to hang out with myself and not anybody else.
SPEAKER_1: That won't get annoying at all.
SPEAKER_2: Well, it's the only way to prevent clashing personalities, because as we know, one never clashes with themself.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, I've never accidentally triggered myself.
SPEAKER_2: Me neither.
SPEAKER_2: I never have even once in my life, and don't ask my therapist about it.
SPEAKER_1: No, hey, I've solved it.
SPEAKER_1: We just get a group of therapists.
SPEAKER_1: Therapists can never trigger people.
SPEAKER_2: As we know, all therapists are good always.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, if someone was a therapist, they wouldn't be a therapist if they were a bad therapist.
SPEAKER_2: It's the Evil Gays 2 colon Evil Therapists.
SPEAKER_2: We need a bunch of therapists.
SPEAKER_2: We need a group of therapist friends, and they can never talk about their work, obviously.
SPEAKER_1: Or what if they only talk about their work?
SPEAKER_2: Here's the other issue with that is confidentiality.
SPEAKER_2: They can't really talk about their work because they can't talk about their harmony with their therapist.
SPEAKER_1: Therapists, do you think, actually don't talk about their clients?
SPEAKER_2: No, I know that they do, but let me live in a world where they don't.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, so where are we going to find all these therapists?
SPEAKER_1: I'm lukewarm on the therapist, just because I've literally never had a consistent therapist.
SPEAKER_1: So I couldn't even tell you what the dynamic of a group of therapists would be like.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, I feel like it would really depend.
SPEAKER_2: I've heard therapists be everywhere all over the map.
SPEAKER_2: It's like they're a multifaceted group of people who just happen to share a profession.
SPEAKER_2: So maybe not therapists.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, so who do you think you could get together for this group chat that would not have any issues with accidentally retraumatizing each other or causing sorts of problems that would cause a group to fall apart?
SPEAKER_1: What about gamers?
SPEAKER_2: Say more about that.
SPEAKER_1: No.
SPEAKER_2: So, okay, let's talk about gamers.
SPEAKER_2: So here's a pro, right?
SPEAKER_2: Gamers play games together all the time.
SPEAKER_1: You play games together, you can't talk about politics.
SPEAKER_1: Politics solved.
SPEAKER_1: You can't traumatize each other if you're playing a video game together.
SPEAKER_2: God, it's like tabletop gaming.
SPEAKER_2: In that way.
SPEAKER_2: And if you play games together, obviously politics are never going to come up.
SPEAKER_2: Politics are never going to influence the way that you treat each other and talk to each other.
SPEAKER_2: You're never going to accidentally traumatize each other, re-traumatize yourself.
SPEAKER_2: It's never going to happen because that's not how gaming works.
SPEAKER_2: If gaming works that way, why would people play games?
SPEAKER_2: Gamers really could all just be on the same page here, and they could talk in gamer language, right, with all these gamer terms, and it would just like, would be totally fine, because they'd all know what they're talking about.
SPEAKER_2: But it wouldn't, you know, wouldn't sound, it would be okay.
SPEAKER_2: That's my point here.
SPEAKER_2: I'm just trying to search my brain for justifications of why this would work.
SPEAKER_2: Because I'm, as I talk about it more and more, I'm getting less and less convinced that this would work.
SPEAKER_2: And I wasn't really convinced to begin with.
SPEAKER_1: So maybe the clone idea was the best idea.
SPEAKER_1: Maybe this is the best approach.
SPEAKER_1: Because if I disagree with myself, I can just get rid of them.
SPEAKER_1: They're just a clone after all.
SPEAKER_1: And as we know from Star Wars, clones don't matter.
SPEAKER_2: I'm going to kill you.
SPEAKER_2: It doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_1: I'm a clone.
SPEAKER_2: You can kill me.
SPEAKER_2: Hang on.
SPEAKER_2: I have an idea.
SPEAKER_2: What if we...
SPEAKER_2: Okay, I've got it.
SPEAKER_2: I've got it.
SPEAKER_2: I've figured it out.
SPEAKER_2: Great.
SPEAKER_2: We have to do a time loop.
SPEAKER_2: Now, here's the thing.
SPEAKER_2: We use the time loop to see how we can put together the perfect group that will never re-traumatize, never cause drama, never cause problems, right?
SPEAKER_2: And then we will try and try again until we can put together that perfect group, then we leave the time loop with the perfect group.
SPEAKER_1: I do have one problem with this.
SPEAKER_1: You only get one day of sample.
SPEAKER_1: If someone's in a good mood that day, they're gonna always be in a good mood that day.
SPEAKER_1: And you're never gonna know if they're good with the group when it's not a good day.
SPEAKER_2: That's the thing, because you can also manipulate everyone around you in a harmful way.
SPEAKER_1: Great.
SPEAKER_1: I'm glad.
SPEAKER_2: Great.
SPEAKER_2: We've gone into the worst way.
SPEAKER_2: This is the worst thing.
SPEAKER_2: If your experience of the world is different, then it's gonna change everything else.
SPEAKER_2: So really, it's kind of procedurally generated in a way.
SPEAKER_1: Brianna, clearly, all I have to do is just manipulate a group of folks into becoming friends and then continuously manipulate them so that they stay friends.
SPEAKER_2: This is smart and good.
SPEAKER_2: I like this.
SPEAKER_2: I think manipulation is really the strategy here.
SPEAKER_2: You will never traumatize someone by manipulating them in a horrible, harmful, traumatizing way.
SPEAKER_1: Only if they find out about it.
SPEAKER_1: And if they do find out about it, then you've failed.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, that's how manipulation works.
SPEAKER_2: Um, this sucks.
SPEAKER_1: Do we have a good answer to this?
SPEAKER_1: How do I get friends, Brianna?
SPEAKER_1: How do I get my friend group?
SPEAKER_1: I want the evil gaze too.
SPEAKER_2: Simply hang out with different groups of people until you find one that works for you.
SPEAKER_1: I'll just abandon everyone until I find the people who revere me, and then I will simply just be worshiped, and that is a healthy relationship.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I was going to say, have you considered starting a cult?
SPEAKER_1: Ooh.
SPEAKER_2: Because let's be real here, the evil gaze could be a cult.
SPEAKER_1: You know, I've gone to parties where people were talking about, I heard about this group called the evil gaze, and it was very weird to be like, oh yeah, that was, uh-huh, I was, yup, I was in that, because it does kind of sound like a cult out of context.
SPEAKER_2: It sounds like the fucking League of Evil Mutants, Magneto's evil organization in X-Men.
SPEAKER_1: Who calls themselves the League of Evil Mutants?
SPEAKER_1: So, the League of Evil Gaze is now recruiting.
SPEAKER_1: You can apply within.
SPEAKER_1: Just look for links in the description to the application form.
SPEAKER_1: It's in there.
SPEAKER_1: Just keep looking.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, my God.
SPEAKER_2: Just keep looking.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_2: No, it's definitely in there.
SPEAKER_1: It's definitely.
SPEAKER_1: It's one of those.
SPEAKER_1: It's one of those links.
SPEAKER_1: It's probably just linked.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: Click that other one.
SPEAKER_1: Nope.
SPEAKER_1: That the other one.
SPEAKER_1: Yep.
SPEAKER_2: Just keep clicking every single link in the description until you find it.
SPEAKER_1: It's one of them.
SPEAKER_1: I'm pretty sure it's one of them.
SPEAKER_1: So, I hope you found the support in that.
SPEAKER_1: Do you want to splurge us on to the next one?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I'm not huge on the term splurge, but I will continue nonetheless.
SPEAKER_1: Would you rather splurge?
SPEAKER_1: Do you want to splurge this podcast up a bit?
SPEAKER_2: No, I think I'm going to actually just keep on going without accepting that as a term.
SPEAKER_1: Splink.
SPEAKER_1: Can you splink us, Brianna?
SPEAKER_2: So, this is sort of...
SPEAKER_2: We're getting worse here.
SPEAKER_2: It's sort of the issue here.
SPEAKER_2: I don't see what's wrong with the term splat.
SPEAKER_1: All right, splat all over the place, Brianna.
SPEAKER_2: So, my next craving.
SPEAKER_2: I need new clothes.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, so previously on this show, I've talked about how I wish that there were clothes that would change sizes with you, and I've since realized that that is an unreasonable desire, an immature desire.
SPEAKER_2: Because back in that time, I could not have foreseen the COVID pandemic, right?
SPEAKER_2: And at the time, I thought, oh, yes, the worst thing is that I will have to buy new clothing.
SPEAKER_2: And I realize now that there's a worse fate.
SPEAKER_2: Because now I have to buy new clothing and I can't go into stores to try them on.
SPEAKER_1: It's pretty bad, yeah.
SPEAKER_2: I've realized now that my craving is for a way to try on clothing in a way that is safe during a pandemic.
SPEAKER_2: Because as it stands, I need a new winter coat.
SPEAKER_2: And I don't know if you know anything about coats.
SPEAKER_2: That's not a thing that you can just hope that it fits.
SPEAKER_2: You should get a good idea of, you know, whether it's actually gonna fit or not.
SPEAKER_1: I had a good solution until you specifically said winter coat.
SPEAKER_1: All my winter coats are big and floofy and oversized.
SPEAKER_1: So I guess they're kind of fitted.
SPEAKER_1: They're mostly just like, I don't really care if a winter coat fits me.
SPEAKER_1: I care if I'm a burrito and I'm warm.
SPEAKER_1: That's good.
SPEAKER_1: That is a good winter coat.
SPEAKER_2: That's super fair.
SPEAKER_2: I specifically am like, really want the vibe of like the trench coat type coat thing, you know?
SPEAKER_2: And I'm like, that's one that benefits from being like fitted, you know?
SPEAKER_2: The point is I need a way to make sure that different clothes, like I can try them on so that they fit.
SPEAKER_1: My original solution before you suggested winter coat was just do what I've done, Brianna.
SPEAKER_1: Never take off pajamas.
SPEAKER_1: Never leave pajamas.
SPEAKER_1: Why do you need clothes besides pajamas?
SPEAKER_1: What is the point of clothing outside of pajamas?
SPEAKER_2: So I don't know if you've heard of this.
SPEAKER_2: And again, I don't know if you know anything about this.
SPEAKER_2: This is just sort of a new concept.
SPEAKER_2: It's like sometimes wearing certain types of clothes can make you feel good about yourself.
SPEAKER_2: Now, I don't know if you've ever heard of anything.
SPEAKER_2: I don't feel great in pajamas.
SPEAKER_2: I don't feel like I can be productive.
SPEAKER_2: I find that when I wear pajamas, my mindset immediately is just in the frame of like, okay, well, I can just chill out today.
SPEAKER_2: I don't have to do anything.
SPEAKER_2: And I just find it really hard to get going.
SPEAKER_2: And also sometimes I need to go outside.
SPEAKER_2: And also I like wearing dresses sometimes.
SPEAKER_2: And I guess there are like pajama dresses, like nightgowns and stuff.
SPEAKER_2: Also, all of my pajamas, and this is the other thing, is I actually also probably need new pajamas, because most of my pajamas are from back before I transitioned, which is now like seven years ago, and they're falling apart.
SPEAKER_2: So this actually isn't solved by just staying in pajamas, because I would need new pajamas.
SPEAKER_2: And I guess I could just get super oversized stuff.
SPEAKER_2: But you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_1: What is it about pajamas that makes you unproductive?
SPEAKER_1: Is it the mindset of I'm in pajamas, or is there a more like, oh, it's loose?
SPEAKER_1: What if you had productive pajamas?
SPEAKER_2: I think it's both-ish, but it's mostly the mindset of I'm in pajamas, this isn't real, I can do whatever I want.
SPEAKER_2: So I just don't get anything done.
SPEAKER_1: Now, I know I already said sweats are sort of the like, they change size, but it looks like you're wearing real clothes to go out to shop with.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, that is that is true.
SPEAKER_2: And I do wear a lot of sweatpants and a lot of like yoga pants and stuff.
SPEAKER_1: Nice, sweat shirts.
SPEAKER_1: That's a thing.
SPEAKER_1: That's a real thing.
SPEAKER_1: I said it and then I realized it was a thing.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, the thing is, is like, what if I want to look at, you know, this is not don't don't.
SPEAKER_2: This is not an insult to those who wear pajamas pants and sweatpants, because again, I wear them a lot.
SPEAKER_2: I get it.
SPEAKER_2: I vibe with it.
SPEAKER_2: What if I want to look like good though?
SPEAKER_1: I mean, that that is hurtful.
SPEAKER_1: But, you know, fashion pajamas, you can add rhinestones to pajamas, Brianna.
SPEAKER_1: It's fine.
SPEAKER_1: I have pajamas that have like, they're all fuzzy and they have stars on them and they're glowy and they're sparkly.
SPEAKER_1: They're fashion pajamas.
SPEAKER_1: I only wear those when I want to look like I'm out to party.
SPEAKER_1: You know, before this pandemic happened, 2020 was going to be the year of the cozy, and I was just going to wear pajamas to parties.
SPEAKER_1: This was my plan.
SPEAKER_2: I just like, I don't know, I don't always want to wear pajamas.
SPEAKER_2: That is my particular burden to bears.
SPEAKER_2: I don't always want to wear pajamas.
SPEAKER_2: Sometimes I want to wear clothes.
SPEAKER_1: What about shrink me's?
SPEAKER_1: What if you just order clothes and it starts really, really, really, really big, like really big.
SPEAKER_1: You just like, you have to crawl into it.
SPEAKER_1: It's that big.
SPEAKER_1: And then it just slowly shrinks until it fits you.
SPEAKER_2: How does this work?
SPEAKER_2: Can you tell me about how the shrink me's work?
SPEAKER_1: You lay it out on a flat surface, and then you just sort of crawl inside the shrink me, and you make sure your position correctly.
SPEAKER_1: Every shrink me comes with a guide in terms of what is the correct position to hold.
SPEAKER_1: Then once you are in the position for five to ten minutes, then it starts to shrink.
SPEAKER_1: And you have a perfectly fitted shrink me.
SPEAKER_2: So are they made out of material that shrinks?
SPEAKER_2: Is that how it works?
SPEAKER_2: Or is it like a suction thing here?
SPEAKER_1: Oh, I like the suction thing.
SPEAKER_1: Let's go suction thing.
SPEAKER_1: It's sort of like an octopus clinging to your body in every way.
SPEAKER_2: So is it...
SPEAKER_2: Okay, so wait.
SPEAKER_2: It's sort of like...
SPEAKER_2: It's vacuum sealed, right?
SPEAKER_2: They're vacuum sealed to your body.
SPEAKER_2: Sure.
SPEAKER_2: This is exactly what I wanted.
SPEAKER_2: This is 100% exactly what I was envisioning here.
SPEAKER_2: You know, for leggings, maybe that's a good idea because I do need some new leggings.
SPEAKER_2: That's one of the things that I am struggling with is I need some new leggings.
SPEAKER_2: So you know what?
SPEAKER_2: For that, sounds like it works great.
SPEAKER_2: And really, why would I need anything else?
SPEAKER_2: Why would I need to wear anything else?
SPEAKER_2: So there we go.
SPEAKER_2: We're set.
SPEAKER_1: So if you needed to go into a store, what if we just give everyone a store?
SPEAKER_1: You know, we support small businesses here on Salt Cravings.
SPEAKER_1: What if everyone gets a store?
SPEAKER_1: That's so many small businesses.
SPEAKER_1: They're the smallest businesses.
SPEAKER_2: So it's sort of like a walk-in closet for everyone, except they also still have to pay for it, I guess?
SPEAKER_2: Do they still have to pay for the clothing?
SPEAKER_1: It's kind of like, you know how in some cities you have to pay to use a public toilet?
SPEAKER_1: But it's like that, where you have to pay to use a public store, except it's your own personal public store.
SPEAKER_2: Is this like a daily pay?
SPEAKER_2: Are you buying the things or are you like renting it?
SPEAKER_2: Tell me how nightmarish this is.
SPEAKER_1: Like any good business model in 2020, it does have a subscription model.
SPEAKER_2: Of course, yeah.
SPEAKER_2: Fucking subscription models.
SPEAKER_2: This is like that one fucking service that chooses what to wear for you, except way less space efficient.
SPEAKER_1: Except you return the clothes at the end of the day.
SPEAKER_2: God, it sucks.
SPEAKER_2: That sucks.
SPEAKER_1: Now the hassle of clothing is removed.
SPEAKER_1: It's easy.
SPEAKER_2: Now you return your clothes at the end of the day.
SPEAKER_2: Now what about pajamas?
SPEAKER_2: Because I assume you keep your pajamas, right?
SPEAKER_1: It's a separate subscription model, that you have your daytime and nighttime subscription model.
SPEAKER_1: The nighttime is 18 plus, so you know.
SPEAKER_2: So hang on, what do you fucking wear after you give the clothes back at the end of the day if you're not subscribed to the nighttime subscription model, which you can't do if you're younger than 18?
SPEAKER_2: What do you fucking wear?
SPEAKER_1: I don't think that is the problem of the company, honestly.
SPEAKER_1: I, you know, the best that can be done is to provide a service.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, we can't be expected to take responsibility for people's individual choices.
SPEAKER_2: Whether or not it is mandated by law that you have to use the subscription service, you chose to use the subscription service.
SPEAKER_1: It's opt-in.
SPEAKER_1: No one's forcing you to use the subscription service, but we have gotten all of the clothing stores.
SPEAKER_1: They are ours.
SPEAKER_2: And if you don't wear clothes, and that is still a crime, like in public, to not wear clothes, there is still...
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, it is fineable.
SPEAKER_1: We do run a lot of lobbyists in the government.
SPEAKER_1: It's weird how nudity has spiked since opening this business model.
SPEAKER_2: We are trying to just prevent those criminals.
SPEAKER_2: So it's not really...
SPEAKER_2: Clair, the thing that we created, just FYI, is the plot of Urinetown, except it's about clothing instead of pissing.
SPEAKER_2: This is literally the plot of Urinetown.
SPEAKER_1: So when are we doing Clothing Town the musical?
SPEAKER_2: Once those TikTok kids are done with Ratatouille the musical, then they can help us make Clothing Town the musical.
SPEAKER_2: As you can see, we are coming back just in time for the race to finish.
SPEAKER_1: There, round the corner, it's the last lap.
SPEAKER_2: Hedgehunters in first, hedgehunters in first.
SPEAKER_2: And look at that, no, a last minute win by Beef or Salmon.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, look at that.
SPEAKER_2: That's an incredible horse.
SPEAKER_2: Look at that horse, Beef or Salmon has won.
SPEAKER_1: That horse has so many legs.
SPEAKER_1: I am so astonished by this turnout of this.
SPEAKER_1: This was amazing.
SPEAKER_2: You know, the pot today, of all the bets that have been done about all the horses, the pot tonight is for 69 million dollars.
SPEAKER_1: So, 69 million dollars?
SPEAKER_1: Wow, that's almost half of what my house is worth.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, I tell you, it's nearly a third of what my house is worth.
SPEAKER_2: And that is an incredible amount of money.
SPEAKER_2: And we are all just so excited to be giving this money to whoever can find the forest platoon crews in our sponsors' advertisement.
SPEAKER_2: Wow, this is a very exciting night for us.
SPEAKER_2: So, let's give our traditional sign off.
SPEAKER_2: You can follow Salt Cravings on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram at Salt Cravings.
SPEAKER_1: You can submit your own over at submissions at saltcravings.com.
SPEAKER_2: It's true, and I'll tell you what, there are some links in the description for you to donate that $69 million to people who need it.
SPEAKER_1: Hey, what's this link right here?
SPEAKER_1: It says something about signing up to be part of a cult.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, well, that's just how our sponsor rolls.
SPEAKER_1: Don't forget to like and subscribe and ring that bell to be notified when another sponsor hits the horse races.
SPEAKER_2: Make sure to rate and review us on your podcast platform of choice.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, that's all for tonight, folks.
SPEAKER_1: And as we say, that's pod racing.
SPEAKER_2: Okay, that was way better, that was way better than...
SPEAKER_1: What was yours?
SPEAKER_1: I just want to know what yours was.
SPEAKER_2: Mine was...
SPEAKER_2: God, I immediately lost mine as soon as you said the pod racing joke.
SPEAKER_2: I think it was something...
SPEAKER_2: I know, that was so fucking good.
SPEAKER_2: Mine was going to be something about like horses, and like something...
SPEAKER_1: You know, we're not horsing around here.
SPEAKER_2: When they race, that's a horse.
SPEAKER_1: That's horses, it's the new poggers.
SPEAKER_2: That's horses!
SPEAKER_2: Um.