SPEAKER_1: Hello, and welcome to Salt Cravings, the podcast where we talk about our cravings.
SPEAKER_1: My name's Clair.
SPEAKER_2: And my name's Brianna.
SPEAKER_1: And today we have a special guest with us.
SPEAKER_1: Everyone give it up for Elliot Page.
SPEAKER_1: Now, Elliot has told me before coming on stage, in the stage in which we record on, that he is a little stage shy.
SPEAKER_1: I know it's very weird, but a lot of people in Hollywood are actually very stage shy.
SPEAKER_1: It's a weird phenomenon.
SPEAKER_1: Now, I've promised Elliot that I would walk him through the space that we record on and meet all the other trans people in existence.
SPEAKER_1: So Elliot, if you just follow us right through this way.
SPEAKER_1: Now, first to our left, I'd like you to look over there.
SPEAKER_1: Yes, you'll see Caitlyn Jenner and Buck Angel.
SPEAKER_1: That's the shame corner.
SPEAKER_1: You don't want to end up in the shame corner.
SPEAKER_1: Now, if you'll follow me a little further down, yes, yes, that one's a special place of honor.
SPEAKER_1: That one's called Super Cancelled.
SPEAKER_1: We reserve that for contour points.
SPEAKER_1: Now, if you'll continue a little further just at the end of this hallway, this is the free zone for everybody.
SPEAKER_1: Everyone is welcome to come here.
SPEAKER_1: Now, please ignore the line that does say excommunicated from your community.
SPEAKER_1: It's a sort of a free space.
SPEAKER_1: You can just think of it.
SPEAKER_1: You can think of it as a fun lounge, you know.
SPEAKER_1: Anyway, have fun.
SPEAKER_1: Enjoy.
SPEAKER_1: We do need to go record a show, and you aren't quite as helpful for a radio podcast, so we'll come pick you up in 20 to 30 minutes.
SPEAKER_1: You good with the playtime?
SPEAKER_1: Great, great.
SPEAKER_1: All right, Brianna, how are you doing?
SPEAKER_3: I'm doing great.
SPEAKER_2: You know, I'm so glad that we did get to record in this trans-focused space, you know, where all of the trans people are.
SPEAKER_2: It's like, it's sort of like all trans people can astral project into the space that we record in.
SPEAKER_2: We're astral projecting right now.
SPEAKER_2: You know, it was surprising to me that Elliot Page is so, like, has a lot of stage fright, which is totally fair, understandable.
SPEAKER_2: But then I started to look it up.
SPEAKER_2: And did you know, actually, they had to record Juno in, always in multiple different spaces, because both Elliot Page and Michael Cera are stage shy.
SPEAKER_2: And so they ended up having to record that in kind of two separate rooms.
SPEAKER_2: And so there's this kind of awkward aura.
SPEAKER_2: And let me tell you, that sort of tactic became very useful recently, obviously, with COVID and everything.
SPEAKER_2: That's actually how they recorded the Destiel revelation in Supernatural, because Jensen Ackles refused to be in the same room as a gay love confession.
SPEAKER_2: So it's a really good tactic that Hollywood likes to use a lot.
SPEAKER_2: And yeah, Juno was the innovator on that one.
SPEAKER_2: And that's why the awkward auras there, not the incredible well, and also the incredible performances.
SPEAKER_2: But yeah, that's a little Hollywood fun fact for you.
SPEAKER_1: Just a little behind the scenes.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, you know, you come to Salt Cravings for all the deep cuts into Hollywood.
SPEAKER_1: We're kind of the pros on that stuff.
SPEAKER_2: And now we're gonna shift over from Hollywood to Holliday as we talk about the holiday season, the time of the year.
SPEAKER_2: It is, you know, as they say in that one Christmas song, Christmas comes this time each year.
SPEAKER_2: That's my favorite holiday song, is because that's all they say.
SPEAKER_2: That's, you know, a good one.
SPEAKER_2: It sure does, yeah.
SPEAKER_2: Christmas comes, Hanukkah comes.
SPEAKER_2: It is the time.
SPEAKER_2: There was perhaps a multiple interpretations on whether we should do a holiday episode this episode.
SPEAKER_2: I would say that there was a variety of interpretations.
SPEAKER_1: Do you mean interpretations or do you mean opinions?
SPEAKER_2: Yes, I would say, well, opinions are so strong.
SPEAKER_2: It's such a strong and aggressive word, and I don't want to come off as...
SPEAKER_2: Is having an opinion aggressive?
SPEAKER_2: Yes, absolutely.
SPEAKER_2: It's extremely aggressive and morally and ethically wrong to have an opinion.
SPEAKER_1: Hey Brianna, cheese is bad, specifically Parmesan.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, that's extremely aggressive.
SPEAKER_2: I'm gonna have to put you over in the super canceled zone for that.
SPEAKER_1: Darn, I gotta hang out with Contra points.
SPEAKER_1: I don't even know what to talk about.
SPEAKER_2: I'm sure there's lots to talk about.
SPEAKER_2: Go on our YouTube channel.
SPEAKER_1: I'm gonna talk about how being canceled actually made me better than everybody else.
SPEAKER_2: That's a good idea.
SPEAKER_2: That's a very good idea.
SPEAKER_2: Especially when you're canceled for your cheese opinions, which you definitely hold.
SPEAKER_2: But yes, we are, at my insistence, doing a holiday episode because I said we had to.
SPEAKER_2: Um, haha, owned.
SPEAKER_1: Fucking got me.
SPEAKER_1: No scoped.
SPEAKER_1: 360 no scope holiday season.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, 2020 is like done.
SPEAKER_1: It's like over.
SPEAKER_1: We went through all of 2020.
SPEAKER_1: Almost.
SPEAKER_1: We got one more.
SPEAKER_1: One more in us after this one.
SPEAKER_1: When this comes out, we'll be in the midst of Hanukkah.
SPEAKER_1: So, you know, if you're listening to this, go fry up some latkes.
SPEAKER_2: Happy Hanukkah.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, and eat a bunch of oily food.
SPEAKER_1: That's really the best part of Hanukkah.
SPEAKER_1: It's really the only part of Hanukkah.
SPEAKER_1: It's not the only part.
SPEAKER_2: Listen, what more do you need than oily food and singing?
SPEAKER_2: I think that's a way to live.
SPEAKER_2: Those two things definitely don't ever come and don't clash ever.
SPEAKER_1: Why would they clash?
SPEAKER_2: Well, you know, they don't, because obviously grease never impacts like your singing voice and stuff.
SPEAKER_1: It's like lubricant.
SPEAKER_2: Drink the oil lube.
SPEAKER_1: Sponsored oil lube, Salt Cravings brand.
SPEAKER_1: It's only $29.99.
SPEAKER_1: Go to the Salt Cravings store.
SPEAKER_1: We have a store.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, my God.
SPEAKER_2: Nightmare.
SPEAKER_2: Um, it just makes me feel bad.
SPEAKER_2: All of that makes me feel bad.
SPEAKER_1: You get stickers for $9.99 for two stickers.
SPEAKER_1: Pins are $15.
SPEAKER_2: That's the truth of the battle.
SPEAKER_1: The enamel ones are $30.
SPEAKER_2: I will do it just to spite you.
SPEAKER_2: You want to see me die?
SPEAKER_2: All right.
SPEAKER_1: Damn, she really did it, folks.
SPEAKER_1: Mad woman out here.
SPEAKER_2: I was revived by the spirit of the holidays.
SPEAKER_1: Deathsteel has succumbed into you.
SPEAKER_2: I'm the ghost of Christmas canceling.
SPEAKER_2: I can cancel anyone on Christmas now.
SPEAKER_1: Do you want to give me a craving?
SPEAKER_2: I would love to give you a craving.
SPEAKER_2: So this year...
SPEAKER_2: But really, I've had it for a while.
SPEAKER_2: It's just like this year is particularly poignant.
SPEAKER_2: I really want to do holiday gatherings with friends.
SPEAKER_2: And obviously, we can't do that right now.
SPEAKER_2: But in general, I think every year, you know, getting the chance to go hang out with friends and everyone brings a food and you do a whole potluck thing.
SPEAKER_2: And you do maybe a Secret Santa thing or whatever else.
SPEAKER_2: That is living to me.
SPEAKER_2: That is holiday to me.
SPEAKER_2: And I want it.
SPEAKER_2: I need it.
SPEAKER_3: I can't have it.
SPEAKER_2: We are doing a fun Christmas thing in our house, but it's really going to be for the two of us, obviously.
SPEAKER_2: But yeah, we're making a whole bunch of food and stuff, but it would be nice to be able to see other folks.
SPEAKER_2: That's my craving for this year.
SPEAKER_1: Cool, fun and easy.
SPEAKER_1: Well, we've already invented so many ways to see each other during the pandemic.
SPEAKER_3: Right, but how?
SPEAKER_1: Private island.
SPEAKER_3: Right.
SPEAKER_2: But here's the thing.
SPEAKER_2: The most important thing is we need to be able to bring food and all eat the food that we've all brought, you know?
SPEAKER_1: I know how to do this.
SPEAKER_1: We got to ask Santa for immunity, immortality.
SPEAKER_1: We're going to become immortal.
SPEAKER_1: You can't die to COVID if you're immortal.
SPEAKER_1: That's proven.
SPEAKER_4: Ho, ho, ho, by my name, thy shall not die.
SPEAKER_1: Santa comes in, eats your cookies, waves his magic wand, and turns you into a god.
SPEAKER_1: Then you kill Santa, eat his cookies, and that's the end.
SPEAKER_2: It's the scene at the beginning of Orlando, which is a fantastic movie, by the way.
SPEAKER_2: It's the scene at the beginning where Queen Elizabeth is like, you can have this house, but on one request, you may not fade, do not grow old like I have done, stay young forever, and it happens.
SPEAKER_2: So if Queen Elizabeth can grant that power, Santa definitely can.
SPEAKER_1: Well, why don't we just go to the Queen?
SPEAKER_1: She's still alive.
SPEAKER_2: That's definitely the same Queen.
SPEAKER_1: They're related by blood, aren't they?
SPEAKER_1: They have the same magic powers.
SPEAKER_2: That's a bold assertion, that the royal family is enough of a coherent and complete line like that.
SPEAKER_3: Yeah, totally.
SPEAKER_1: A few of them are moving to Vancouver.
SPEAKER_1: We're good.
SPEAKER_1: We're just gonna go, like, sit in on their house and take their stuff until they make us immortals.
SPEAKER_3: Are they, like...
SPEAKER_2: Is this a vampire thing?
SPEAKER_2: Are they vampires?
SPEAKER_1: Oh, damn.
SPEAKER_1: I was thinking it was a wizard thing.
SPEAKER_1: What if they're wizard vampires?
SPEAKER_2: Liches.
SPEAKER_2: The thing you're thinking of is liches.
SPEAKER_1: So welcome to the royal lich family.
SPEAKER_1: We'd like to introduce you to our...
SPEAKER_1: .
SPEAKER_1: summoning circle.
SPEAKER_1: Please stand within it.
SPEAKER_2: So we'll go to the lich royal family, and then we'll say, hey, can you make us all immune to the virus and in general just immortal?
SPEAKER_2: And they'll be like, yes, we can, but at a terrible cost.
SPEAKER_2: And we'll be like, okay, whatever.
SPEAKER_1: We've all paid it probably by now.
SPEAKER_2: We've all probably paid it.
SPEAKER_2: And then it turns out that the terrible cost is that we can no longer openly criticize the monarchy, which is indeed the most terrible cost of all.
SPEAKER_1: I guess it's too late to go.
SPEAKER_1: I already agreed.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I also already agreed.
SPEAKER_3: Oh, what?
SPEAKER_1: I can't control.
SPEAKER_3: Oh, the monarchy is good, actually.
SPEAKER_3: Oh, no.
SPEAKER_3: We should keep the monarchy.
SPEAKER_3: Kings and queens did nothing wrong.
SPEAKER_3: I like that the queens have our money.
SPEAKER_3: I like that we have money.
SPEAKER_2: That's not even about the monarchy.
SPEAKER_3: I don't know what's happening.
SPEAKER_1: Slowly, you become not only a monarchist, royalist, you become.
SPEAKER_2: A monarchist.
SPEAKER_2: This is a terrible cost that we've paid.
SPEAKER_2: But we can have holiday gatherings.
SPEAKER_2: Then we can at that gathering not talk about how much we hate the queen.
SPEAKER_1: We actually invite her.
SPEAKER_2: We actually invite her.
SPEAKER_1: She has to come to every party.
SPEAKER_2: It's like, I am the one who gave you immunity, you know.
SPEAKER_2: I am the source from which all of it flows.
SPEAKER_1: She just occasionally zaps you with her finger, like a bad 80s movie.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_2: We should have gone to Santa Claus.
SPEAKER_2: I bet Santa Claus's terrible cost would have been less bad.
SPEAKER_2: What do you think Santa Claus's terrible cost for mortality is?
SPEAKER_1: You have to become an elf for a century.
SPEAKER_1: How do you think he gets his elves?
SPEAKER_2: I like that it's a short term, you know, in the long season, it is a contract basis.
SPEAKER_2: You're not an elf forever.
SPEAKER_2: You're an elf for like a century.
SPEAKER_1: For a hundred years, yeah.
SPEAKER_2: Which sucks, for sure.
SPEAKER_2: But like, after that hundred years, you're free.
SPEAKER_1: That's true, that's true.
SPEAKER_1: It's just like Friends of the Table.
SPEAKER_1: It's just like Order or Nope.
SPEAKER_1: It's just like movement.
SPEAKER_2: Motion?
SPEAKER_1: Motion.
SPEAKER_3: It's not quite like motion.
SPEAKER_2: I don't think Santa Claus kills you at the end of a hundred years.
SPEAKER_2: But you're immortal with Santa Claus.
SPEAKER_2: So you're fine.
SPEAKER_1: That's true, that's true.
SPEAKER_2: What does it entail to be an elf?
SPEAKER_2: Do you grow the elf ears organically?
SPEAKER_2: Is that a part of the thing?
SPEAKER_1: It's sort of like a werewolf thing, but instead of happening every full moon, it just sort of happens at the start where like your ears just pop out.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, I've had surgery.
SPEAKER_2: This is like basically the same.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, and then a hat grows on your head.
SPEAKER_1: It's not removable.
SPEAKER_2: No, I didn't expect it to be.
SPEAKER_1: That's one of the perks.
SPEAKER_1: You can walk on ice.
SPEAKER_1: That is, you know, with the fancy shoes that your feet grow.
SPEAKER_2: Can you at least like choose?
SPEAKER_2: Because I would like the hat to kind of look like Link.
SPEAKER_2: I think it'd be fun to be like, yeah, I'm an elf, but I'm also Link.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, Link is actually based on a real life story where someone actually saw one of the elves try to escape.
SPEAKER_2: So is this a different story than the story of Rudolph, the Red Nose Reindeer, which an elf escapes, or the story of elf in which an elf like leaves because he's not?
SPEAKER_1: I mean, yeah, no, it's the same story.
SPEAKER_1: Not a lot of people know that Epona is actually an anagram for Rudolph.
SPEAKER_2: Tell me your fucking craving, we're done here.
SPEAKER_1: Well, maybe we can use the same solution, because my craving is visiting my parents.
SPEAKER_1: I haven't seen my mother in almost a year at this point, and that would be nice.
SPEAKER_1: You know, I'm really missing her.
SPEAKER_1: I really, you know, even texted her, like, what if I just came and worked there?
SPEAKER_1: That means that it's kind of like a long-term thing, and that, you know, it just sort of moved my bubble.
SPEAKER_1: But then I realized I would be able to do that for about two weeks tops before being like, I need to leave, I need to go.
SPEAKER_1: So my craving is, you know, visiting my parents, but not live, not moving back in with my parents.
SPEAKER_2: Fair.
SPEAKER_2: Well, I think we should come up with some other solutions, because, you know, there might be people not willing to pay a terrible cost for their immortality, which like wimps, but like, I think we need to at least give those people an option as well.
SPEAKER_2: So are there like shorter term?
SPEAKER_2: Because some people, I guess some people probably don't want to become like immortal.
SPEAKER_2: They just want to like momentarily be able to like visit and spend time with people over the holidays.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, if I've become immortal and then spend a hundred years making presents, I'm going to come back and nobody I know is going to be the same.
SPEAKER_1: So what I think I need is just a short term solution to visit my parents for just like a weekend safely.
SPEAKER_2: So you know the hazmat suits, right?
SPEAKER_2: What if you were to create super hazmat suits?
SPEAKER_1: How is it different?
SPEAKER_2: Well, hazmat suits, I think stuff can still get in there.
SPEAKER_2: It doesn't seem perfectly sealed to me.
SPEAKER_2: You could wear them?
SPEAKER_1: Okay, all right.
SPEAKER_1: The super hazmat suits have a hundred percent hole free.
SPEAKER_2: They also, radiation can't get through there, unlike hazmat suits, which we know radiation gets immediately through there.
SPEAKER_2: And super hazmat suits, nothing, not radiation.
SPEAKER_2: As we know, COVID is a radiation-based disease.
SPEAKER_2: So the thing about these super hazmat suits is they are perfect.
SPEAKER_2: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.
SPEAKER_2: Now, the only issue is air.
SPEAKER_2: That is the sort of one problem we found.
SPEAKER_2: That's one little thing that we just need to still figure out with the super hazmat suits is how to make sure air gets in there.
SPEAKER_2: We based it off the old Godzilla suit, which was partially made out of concrete.
SPEAKER_2: And the person in the suit would regularly collapse because of smoke being also sent kind of around because of just like, you know, to show smoke of the destruction.
SPEAKER_2: This is a thing that happened.
SPEAKER_2: They would regularly pass out.
SPEAKER_2: They would have to have the suit removed from them.
SPEAKER_2: So that is the slight issue we have been having.
SPEAKER_1: Can I poke holes in it?
SPEAKER_2: Oh, you know what?
SPEAKER_2: That's a great idea.
SPEAKER_2: Hey, why didn't we just poke holes in it?
SPEAKER_3: What do you mean?
SPEAKER_2: No, the COVID can't tell.
SPEAKER_1: It's a radiation.
SPEAKER_1: It can't go through holes.
SPEAKER_2: Radiation's like big.
SPEAKER_2: I think that could work, but it might get annoying to wear the Super Hazmat suit your entire time there, you know?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, do I have to wear it to bed?
SPEAKER_2: To be safe, yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_2: It's the only way to be safe.
SPEAKER_1: God, does it come with a bed installed?
SPEAKER_3: It could.
SPEAKER_2: We could do that.
SPEAKER_3: Hey, can we do that?
SPEAKER_2: I'm hearing that we could do that.
SPEAKER_1: Who are you asking?
SPEAKER_2: The, you know, the...
SPEAKER_2: I'm running this business.
SPEAKER_2: I have a business now.
SPEAKER_2: As established last time, we made whatever the fuck that last product was, nostalgia goggles.
SPEAKER_2: We did that.
SPEAKER_2: They...
SPEAKER_1: Love the idea so much.
SPEAKER_2: No, yeah, the sales of that one, people seemed concerned about possible side effects.
SPEAKER_1: I don't know why they would be concerned.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, so we said, you know, we'll never have side effects.
SPEAKER_2: Perfectly contained outfit.
SPEAKER_2: And we could do a bed in there, right?
SPEAKER_1: Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: I don't see why not.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_2: They're shaking their heads, but I don't think they know what they're talking about.
SPEAKER_2: That could work, you know, have a bed in there, maybe.
SPEAKER_2: And also eating would be the other thing.
SPEAKER_2: So like, what if...
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_2: So we'll need a kitchen in there as well.
SPEAKER_2: We'll have a kitchen in the suit.
SPEAKER_2: And then...
SPEAKER_3: Wait, a whole kitchen?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: Brianna, we're describing a house.
SPEAKER_3: Thanks for fucking cutting off the joke at the fucking pass.
SPEAKER_1: No, keep going.
SPEAKER_1: Build up to the punchline, and I'll say it again for everybody.
SPEAKER_2: Have you considered just getting a mobile home and driving out there, just living in the mobile home, and y'all could just look at each other through the windows?
SPEAKER_1: Through the windows.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: You know, that's not a terrible idea.
SPEAKER_1: We can just sort of send carrier pigeons to each other, as pigeons are a very clean animal and have never spread any diseases.
SPEAKER_2: And as we know, messenger pigeons are still around, definitely.
SPEAKER_1: They're just on the ground and they eat shit now.
SPEAKER_2: Definitely the same breed of pigeon, for sure.
SPEAKER_1: They're all the same.
SPEAKER_1: All animals are the same, if you name them the same.
SPEAKER_1: This is why I name all my cats the same name, so I know that they're the same cat.
SPEAKER_3: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
SPEAKER_1: That's Maine, Maine, Maine, Maine.
SPEAKER_1: I'm pretty happy with this idea of just sort of looking at my parents through a window.
SPEAKER_1: So how about you give me your next craving?
SPEAKER_2: I remain desperate for a good gay holiday movie.
SPEAKER_2: And the good is important here.
SPEAKER_2: Because as we know, Happiest Season came out, and it stinks.
SPEAKER_1: I have not seen this movie.
SPEAKER_1: Does it?
SPEAKER_1: Is it bad?
SPEAKER_2: Generally, the consensus is...
SPEAKER_2: So, okay, so here's my background with these types of movies.
SPEAKER_2: I like watching lots of gay movies.
SPEAKER_2: I've watched ones that I think are so bad, they're good.
SPEAKER_2: I think The Perfect Wedding is a so bad, it's good Christmas movie.
SPEAKER_2: And then I've also seen a holiday movie called Lesbom, which is technically a Thanksgiving movie.
SPEAKER_2: And it's bad.
SPEAKER_2: It's as bad as the name seems like it would be.
SPEAKER_2: And it is basically the exact same plot as Happiest Season.
SPEAKER_2: The plot is of Happiest Season, also of Lesbom, is broadly one partner on the car ride to her parents' place tells her girlfriend that she's not out to her parents and her girlfriend is gonna have to pretend to be her, like, straight roommate the entire time.
SPEAKER_1: It's a bad story.
SPEAKER_1: What?
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, they've done it multiple times as a movie.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, it's a trope.
SPEAKER_2: It's a trope, yeah.
SPEAKER_2: And so Lesbom was that, and I watched Lesbom and hated it so much that when it was revealed happiest season was that I was like, I'm not gonna watch this movie unless it's super good.
SPEAKER_2: And everyone who's watched it, I've heard basically be like, it's super bad, super white, and not a good time.
SPEAKER_2: It just, like, makes you feel bad.
SPEAKER_2: So I remain in need of a good holiday movie.
SPEAKER_1: One holiday movie that I watched either a year ago or two years ago, the, I believe it was either the Holiday Prince or the Christmas Prince, whatever the fuck Prince, the whole premise is, like, royalty is good, actually, and as we are legally obligated to only ever say good things, I guess, like, soul bound to only ever say good things about the monarchy.
SPEAKER_1: Now, what we really need is the Christmas Princess, where we break into the monarchy by marriage in order to undo the soul binding that we have done to ourselves.
SPEAKER_2: That's smart.
SPEAKER_2: That's-
SPEAKER_2: I like that idea.
SPEAKER_2: I will also shout out, I don't even know if I should shout it out, because I don't know that it's good, but it's fun, is a Christmas night, I believe it's called, or Christmas night.
SPEAKER_2: K-N-I-G-H-T.
SPEAKER_1: Of course.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, god, that's the one where it's like a time traveler or whatever.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, time traveling night.
SPEAKER_1: The Prince one isn't good either.
SPEAKER_2: No, they seem both kind of generally in the same trashy kind of pile.
SPEAKER_1: All right, so here's my proposal.
SPEAKER_1: Time traveling princess from the past comes to the future and marries another princess.
SPEAKER_2: Who's also who is is the other princess also time traveling from the future?
SPEAKER_1: Future, yes.
SPEAKER_2: When the monarchy has been reestablished, they've both come back to this time to save Christmas.
SPEAKER_2: And destroy the monarchy because they're evil, obviously, and we love the monarchy.
SPEAKER_1: Right, right.
SPEAKER_1: Yes.
SPEAKER_2: But yes, so it's two princesses who come from two different times to save Christmas and destroy the monarchy.
SPEAKER_2: And in the process, they discovered that they love one another.
SPEAKER_1: Exactly.
SPEAKER_1: And the reason, like, in a hundred years or so, Prince Jesus decides that Christmas is actually really bad and cancels Christmas.
SPEAKER_1: So we have to make sure that Jesus is never born.
SPEAKER_2: Which is why this Christmas movie has a villain, and it's Jesus.
SPEAKER_1: Jesus Christ.
SPEAKER_1: Short for Christmas, Jesus Christmas.
SPEAKER_2: Jesus Christmas out here, like, I am Jesus and I will destroy Christmas.
SPEAKER_2: It's heavily satirical.
SPEAKER_1: He wanted to destroy Christmas because his last name is Christmas, and he just got really upset at people for, like, being like, oh, Christmas has come.
SPEAKER_2: Yes.
SPEAKER_1: All the people he dated also said that.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, that's also what they all said.
SPEAKER_2: You know, all the many people that Christ dated.
SPEAKER_2: All of them.
SPEAKER_1: I heard he was really good at nailing.
SPEAKER_2: I actually heard he was better at being nailed.
SPEAKER_2: This is this is the plot of this movie.
SPEAKER_2: And also, obviously, it takes place in a small town, a small town full of time travelers.
SPEAKER_2: That's right.
SPEAKER_2: Everyone in this town is a time traveler, and they all have their own missions going on at the same time.
SPEAKER_2: Everyone.
SPEAKER_2: This is the town of time travel where everyone is.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, OK.
SPEAKER_2: Here's the other thing is you can only time travel during Christmas.
SPEAKER_2: So it's like all happening from one Christmas to the next.
SPEAKER_2: It's everyone has to come to this town on Christmas from various different timelines to try and stop their various crises.
SPEAKER_1: Christies.
SPEAKER_2: It's sort of a, if you think about it, it's sort of a mass of people, sort of a Christ mass.
SPEAKER_2: And that's what it's called, the Christ mass.
SPEAKER_2: I don't even know what the plot is.
SPEAKER_2: It's just an incredible concept.
SPEAKER_1: We gotta kill Jesus.
SPEAKER_1: Again.
SPEAKER_3: Again.
SPEAKER_2: Do, like, do you folks just get to skip all of this whole nonsense?
SPEAKER_2: Is this just like...
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, usually.
SPEAKER_1: Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, we are...
SPEAKER_2: It's just us kind of just having to deal with all of this.
SPEAKER_1: It's like holiday movies don't have to be Christmas, but a lot of them are.
SPEAKER_1: You just kind of watch what's out there.
SPEAKER_2: I meant in terms of the whole time traveling thing.
SPEAKER_2: Y'all don't have to deal with all of the time travel nonsense.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, no.
SPEAKER_1: We...
SPEAKER_1: That's sort of an all year round thing for us.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, we...
SPEAKER_2: Sorry, what?
SPEAKER_2: What?
SPEAKER_1: Go on.
SPEAKER_2: I gotta say, all Jewish people can time travel.
SPEAKER_2: Any time of the year is the weirdest conspiracy I've ever heard.
SPEAKER_2: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, so that's the Christ mass coming definitely not to theaters.
SPEAKER_2: There's no way this one is ending up in theaters.
SPEAKER_2: Can you imagine how hard that would be picketed?
SPEAKER_1: I want to put it in theaters now.
SPEAKER_2: Coming to theaters this Christmas, watch it instead of watching, uh-oh, I didn't tell my parents that I'm gay too.
SPEAKER_2: Will you drive the sleigh into home for us and give us our final holiday craving?
SPEAKER_2: I nailed that.
SPEAKER_2: And I think I should be rewarded for this.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, I'll give you your gift, which is my next craving.
SPEAKER_2: Thank you, yes.
SPEAKER_1: My craving is to have a gift wrapper, because I'm not great at wrapping gifts.
SPEAKER_1: I'm okay, I've gotten better, but my gifts used to look like a 5-year-old wrapped them, now looks like a 12-year-old wrapped them.
SPEAKER_1: So I'm getting better.
SPEAKER_1: Growth, that's character development, if I've ever seen it.
SPEAKER_1: So I need something that's going to wrap my gifts for me in a nice way that's presentable and fun.
SPEAKER_1: It's always fun to tear open a really nicely wrapped gift.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_2: I think I've also gotten a little bit better at gift wrapping, but I'm definitely still on that kind of...
SPEAKER_2: Maybe I'm a 15-year-old wrapping gifts, something like that.
SPEAKER_1: I got to keep up.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I got to keep up.
SPEAKER_2: But this would be so useful.
SPEAKER_2: I think you could make a real cool contraption that could do this, right?
SPEAKER_2: Like it could totally measure out, like, okay, the gift is this big, it's this size, and then would do it automatically.
SPEAKER_2: On this show, we never take the easy way out.
SPEAKER_2: We always have to make it overly complex and slightly dystopic.
SPEAKER_2: And so like...
SPEAKER_1: Oh, no.
SPEAKER_2: What if no one's allowed to wrap their own gifts?
SPEAKER_2: Someone else has to wrap the gifts you are giving.
SPEAKER_2: It has to be like a multi-person process, and it can't be, you can't wrap a gift that you're giving to someone, and the person you're giving the gift to also can't wrap it.
SPEAKER_2: So you have to get another person involved.
SPEAKER_2: Sort of like that meme of like two people like about to have sex, and they're like, I consent, I consent, and Jesus is like, I don't.
SPEAKER_2: It's like that for gift wrapping.
SPEAKER_2: So you need to get a third person involved in your gift wrapping.
SPEAKER_1: It's never a true gift until it's a threesome.
SPEAKER_2: That's what I, I'm always saying this.
SPEAKER_2: Every day of my life, I'm saying this.
SPEAKER_2: So that could be a thing.
SPEAKER_2: And so everyone else has to do each other's gift wrapping.
SPEAKER_2: And then when the person's like, oh, thanks, you're like, yeah, I know it's not very well wrapped, but like I didn't do it.
SPEAKER_2: Someone else did it.
SPEAKER_2: And they're like, no, I totally understand.
SPEAKER_1: Wait, it's wrapped poorly?
SPEAKER_2: I think you are probably overestimating the amount of people who are good at wrapping gifts.
SPEAKER_1: Maybe I've just been in contact or gifted by the subset of people who are extremely good at wrapping gifts and always makes me feel like I am incapable of putting paper around a box.
SPEAKER_2: Hey, Clair, how many artists and crafters do you know?
SPEAKER_1: Pretty much all of my friends are artists and crafters.
SPEAKER_2: That would be the reason.
SPEAKER_2: You know, we can't compare ourselves to the people who do this as a craft.
SPEAKER_2: You know, it's their craft.
SPEAKER_2: It's just making things with their hands.
SPEAKER_1: You know what wrapping a present is?
SPEAKER_1: It's a five-minute craft.
SPEAKER_2: I feel like we still need to solve your craving, but like energy-wise, that was a killer.
SPEAKER_1: People don't even understand if they haven't listened to the other episodes.
SPEAKER_2: I think it's an in-joke at this point.
SPEAKER_2: I think we've reached in-joke territory for that one.
SPEAKER_2: I think that's one of our in-joke bits.
SPEAKER_2: Ha ha, it always comes up every few episodes.
SPEAKER_1: Is five-minute crafts our horses?
SPEAKER_2: I guess it's our horses.
SPEAKER_2: Five-minute crafts is our horses.
SPEAKER_2: Definitely anytime I bring a craving from the fourth dimension, I think that's any Travis bit.
SPEAKER_1: And then...
SPEAKER_1: Damn, cell phone.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, because you hate it.
SPEAKER_2: It's so good.
SPEAKER_2: I gotta do that again.
SPEAKER_2: Do you have another way for us to make sure you have help wrapping your gifts?
SPEAKER_1: I think we have a standard gift box.
SPEAKER_1: I think if it can't fit in the gift box, if you can't disassemble it and fit it in any number of gift boxes, your standard size gift box, TM, then you cannot gift it.
SPEAKER_2: That's just like one question.
SPEAKER_2: How big is the standard gift box?
SPEAKER_1: Now that's what is the optimal gift box size?
SPEAKER_1: Is it really big?
SPEAKER_1: Is it really, really big?
SPEAKER_2: 20 by 20 by 20.
SPEAKER_1: 20 what?
SPEAKER_1: Inches?
SPEAKER_2: Yes.
SPEAKER_1: That's actually pretty.
SPEAKER_1: That's reasonable.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, okay, that's reasonable.
SPEAKER_2: I just thought about the fact that my computer is like 17 inches.
SPEAKER_2: I was like, a little bit bigger than that seems right.
SPEAKER_1: If I couldn't be gifted a computer, this holiday is fucked.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_2: The best thing that the gift box, capital T, capital G, capital B.
SPEAKER_1: Capital T?
SPEAKER_1: What?
SPEAKER_2: The gift box.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, I thought it was just gift, but the T is capitalized.
SPEAKER_1: The gift box.
SPEAKER_2: The gift box.
SPEAKER_2: Yes, that's how it's pronounced, actually.
SPEAKER_2: It's pronounced gift box.
SPEAKER_2: It's going to be great for like gift cards, because you're just going to have this huge gift box.
SPEAKER_2: And it's, sorry?
SPEAKER_1: Gift cards?
SPEAKER_2: No, they're just the normal way of pronouncing it.
SPEAKER_1: They're bigger.
SPEAKER_1: They're 20 by zero.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, that's a gift card.
SPEAKER_2: That's a gift card.
SPEAKER_2: They fit perfectly.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, they fit perfectly.
SPEAKER_2: You can stack them up.
SPEAKER_2: It doesn't look like records, weirdly.
SPEAKER_2: And you'll slip a record in there, and everyone will be like, whoa, there's a record in this gift card stack.
SPEAKER_2: It's going to take people a minute to adjust the wording, but they have to, so they will.
SPEAKER_1: It's mandated.
SPEAKER_2: I mean, people adjusted to having wiretaps in their houses, so they can adjust to this.
SPEAKER_2: So I'm not concerned.
SPEAKER_2: I think this is a great solution, and it's going to be easy to learn how to wrap these.
SPEAKER_2: I hope that they're not too big for the size the wrapping paper comes in.
SPEAKER_2: I feel like it'll be fine.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, no, we have the perfect gif tube that is whatever dimensions perfectly wrap the gif box.
SPEAKER_2: Right, it's all just standardized.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, it's one roll of wrapping paper per box.
SPEAKER_1: You just have to buy a bunch of...
SPEAKER_2: God, we're going to make so much money on this.
SPEAKER_1: That is the point of the holidays.
SPEAKER_2: And that, my friends, is what Christmas is all about.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, Elliot, I didn't see you come in.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, holy shit, you scared me.
SPEAKER_1: I was like, wow, he is so quiet.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, I really am impressed.
SPEAKER_2: I've loved your performances in most things.
SPEAKER_2: Great job in Tales of the City.
SPEAKER_1: Thanks for being an emo violinist, you know?
SPEAKER_1: That was a good performance.
SPEAKER_1: I know you're a regular listener of the show, Elliot.
SPEAKER_1: Do you want to do the outro?
SPEAKER_1: No?
SPEAKER_1: Okay, that's fine.
SPEAKER_1: We'll do it then, I guess.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, we'll just do that, and you can chill.
SPEAKER_2: So, at the holidays, as at the rest of the year, that's Salt Cravings.
SPEAKER_2: Hey, if you have a little extra money these holidays, because you're maybe not buying as many gifts for folks, or there's, you know, for whatever reason, you're like, you want to give to it to some good causes, you should check some of those out that are in the description.
SPEAKER_2: I highly recommend giving to Black trans folks and Indigenous causes.
SPEAKER_2: Really, any time of the year.
SPEAKER_1: Do you want to piss your parents off?
SPEAKER_1: Go donate to one of those charities, take a screenshot, and be like, here's your gift.
SPEAKER_1: You're welcome.
SPEAKER_1: Or you have cool parents.
SPEAKER_1: It's one of the two.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, my...
SPEAKER_2: And either way, it gets a given result.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, same result either way.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, pretty much.
SPEAKER_2: You can give us a review on your podcast platform of choice.
SPEAKER_2: Leave a rating, leave a review.
SPEAKER_2: Say that you're excited about the GIFT box and the GIFT cards and whatever else.
SPEAKER_2: Oh yeah, follow us at Salt Cravings on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
SPEAKER_1: I haven't done one, so send your submissions over at submissions at saltcravings.com.
SPEAKER_2: If you want to get us a gift this year, it should be a submission of your craving because those are always really fun to do.
SPEAKER_2: And if you specifically want to get me a gift, submit some Star Wars stuff so that I can get Clair to do that Star Wars stream.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, I guess that's still on the table, huh?
SPEAKER_2: Never goes off the table.
SPEAKER_1: You know what else never goes off the table is Jesus H.
SPEAKER_1: Christmas, he likes to sit on the table and then have people eat off of him.
SPEAKER_1: The princesses will come together and kill Jesus.
SPEAKER_2: I love She-Ra.
SPEAKER_1: I think that's good.
SPEAKER_2: That's good, it's a good ending.
SPEAKER_2: Great.
SPEAKER_1: I love that horde act is Jesus Christ.